Death Becomes Her (1992)

A film about rich and famous folk trying desperately to cling on to their youthful looks by any means necessary, well mainly women in this case. Gee not too far from the truth really is it, seeing these two aging Hollywood female stars, neither of which are particularly attractive in my book, acting narcissistic egotistical and spoilt whilst under thick layers of makeup. I think the trowels of makeup are the only way these two can achieve any remote level of beauty frankly.

The plot is all about a magic potion that...errr magically turns people into younger firmer versions of themselves and gives you immortality.  A potion of youth and eternal life, but the trick is you must disappear from public view after ten years to keep the secret...errrrrrm secret, yeah. So naturally you can expect the cliched spectacle of seeing various ultra famous people popping up who have never really died from the public eye, forever immortal stars people wanna believe are still with us eg. James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis etc...

The first thing that hits you is how can this supposedly sexy siren (Isabelle Rossellini), who's real age is 71, keep this amazing secret under wraps in LA of all places!. She has dished it out to so many famous people who all abuse their fame it seems, its incredible she hasn't been discovered. She's an illegal magic potion dealer with muscle bound henchmen who are also all on it. I would of thought it might also get harder to hide this when people die and start to walk around like decaying zombies as we see slowly with the main two characters.

The other niggling bit is where exactly does she get this potion from? she seems to have quite a lot of it, does she make it in the basement?. And while I'm on it, her massive mansion, is that suppose to be 'disappearing from the public eye'?! really?? I mean seriously you couldn't get anymore attention if you tried!, the house is a freakin' castle!.

Yes the films plot is totally full of holes but I guess its not suppose to be remotely serious, just a silly fantasy. To a degree it does work, this is mainly down to the terrific special effects that at the time were virtually groundbreaking. It was quite good ghoulish fun seeing Streep and Hawn battle it out 'Beetlejuice' style with all the undead goofiness. Willis doesn't really do much accept scream the whole time and the sets have a nice modern gothic style accompanied by crashing lighting and thunder, which is cool for all the goths out there (like myself).


When it came out this was a pretty big hit as I recall, stayed in the cinema a while and I did enjoy it when I saw it (at the cinema, mum LOVED it!). Looking back it doesn't really hold up, sure the effects are still quite neat and there are some amusing bits, but generally its so stupid, lame and completely makes no sense...which ruins it in the end. Its pretty much a live action cartoon with a wafer thin plot, the poster is also a complete rehash of 'The Witches of Eastwick', best stick with that movie though.

4/10

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013)

So this idea still hasn't burned out it seems, the now highly dated secret camera footage clip movie concept thingy. Oh man back in the day Jackass was admittedly fresh and at times very amusing if more awkward and embarrassing. These days the whole thing is somewhat stale but there can be the odd moment of squirm inducing humiliation that forces you to blush uncontrollably whilst watching.

The 'plot' sees grandpa Knoxville taking care of his grandson whilst trying to deliver him to his real father because the kids mother is off to jail. This inevitably creates one setup sketch after another as the old man and young kid make their way to North Carolina. Of course this being Jackass all these setups are real time hidden camera gags where the general public are unaware of the film being made.

The big question is how many of these people were actually aware of the film crew? well it does seem pretty genuine throughout no doubt. There are a few spots where I couldn't help but think someone caught on but its not overly important. The fun parts are seeing the reactions from people when things happen, much like Sacha Baron Cohen's antics its like a car crash and you just can't look away (Although Cohen is more clever and more in depth with his verbal assaults and risky actions, Jackass is more of a dumbed down cartoony comicbook approach).

Problem is everything is pretty average in terms of shock or ideas. Most of the scenes raise a slight giggle but none of it is hilarious by any means. Knoxville is an 80 year old man so you can guess the type of old man jokes and pratfalls you will see, its not brain surgery. So stereotypical elderly people gags aside there are one or two more amusing bits. The male stripper club/bar which appeared to be for black people mainly was quite embarrassing, the old hanging testicles gag was reasonable but it was just the whole touchy PC factor of it...racially, sexually and age wise. The top three hot potato topics.

Next to that was the rather odd all American biker gang called  'Guardians of the Children' which seemed kinda weird really, Lots of fat hairy men in black leather with tattoos looking out for young kids?. You gotta have a biker gang bit when travelling across the US don't you, I liked the predictable crash into their hogs at the end. There was also a very brief and again predictable wedding crasher sequence involving a heavily laden table. But the most amusing and shocking sequence was the all American little girl beauty pageant which truly exposes the grotesque, dare I say paedophile-esque activities of some people. Not only does Knoxville and the young Nicoll mock the event but they lampoon it in a way which most normal people see that kind of competition, by insinuating that these over pampered girly tots will become spoilt emotionless princesses or straight up strippers bordering on whores.

So the odd hint of a good laugh can't really save the film from being a bit flat. Its not particularly shocking or outrageous, I guess the worst bit there was Knoxville getting his old man todger stuck in a drinks vending machine. I prefer it over the old Jackass with their disgusting toilet humour and accidents/injuries which could really make you gag, but at the same time this just feels too much like a cheesy half hour TV show ('You've Been Framed' or international equivalent). The gags fire by quite quickly too, trying to cram in as much as possible clearly. Believe it or not, yet again, the rather predictable finale between Knoxville and Nicoll does show some half decent emotion and empathy, its brisk corny and clearly done to ignite the regular folk within the scene (the bikers), but it does work on a simple level.

The final credits showing behind the scenes moments within the film and a bit of extra footage is actually pretty good. Its nice to watch real peoples reactions when they discover it was all a prank scene in a movie. Must actually be a nice thing to discover if you think about it, unless you haven't said or done anything silly of course.

6/10

Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988)

Chuck is back and he's wearing his bandanna!. This time he's found out (conveniently by some creepy reverend who just happens to be in the US from Nam for what seems like five minutes) that his wife is still alive and well (sorta) back in Nam. Old Chuck thought she had died during the fall of Saigon. To make matters worse she has had his child! omg!! now Chuck is seriously pissed and you better bet your ass he's gonna KILL EVERYONE!!

So as you might expect this film plays out pretty much like the original and sees Chuck going back into the jungles of Nam to kick ass. Of course, as you might expect, this being the third film its bigger, louder, a bit more impressive with stunts and explosions and ever so slightly more bloody...but not much, oh and Chuck still won't swear. To add spice to this adventure old Chuck most endure the sight of his wife getting executed by the evil Vietnamese General not too soon after his initial rescue attempt. Holy wonton soup General! now you've REALLY done it! Chuck's gonna bite your nuts off whilst using polite profanity.

Its probably the best of the trilogy for me because its just that bit grander yet still maintains those glorious 80's visuals and vibes that really set the stage for a retro offensive. Chuck is the epitome of the one man army, he parachutes into Nam with his own personal speed boat loaded with gear, treks through the jungle unaided and taking no malaria tablets, finds the enemy base, crashes it, saves his wife and child and then promptly gets caught. But fear not! Chuck escapes after some mild torture, gets his MASSIVE assault rifle, heads back to the enemy base, saves a whole tonne of other kids recently imprisoned and cooly dispatched all the bad guys in a super-duper array of slow motion bullet hits and explosions.

Its a serious film but at the same time its also a cheesy action flick. I could mention many things such as the fact none of the kids get injured at all during the main escape despite bullets, shrapnel and debris raining down on them constantly, but I won't. Of course, as you may expect, this being a Chuck flick there must be some douche bag US officials trying to stop his mission for political reasons so he can come across all rebellious and righteous. Well that box is totally checked.

In short (yes I know this hasn't been short) the film is great fun in a tame Rambo type of way...but I'm sure you all expected that. Its Chuck at his best killing the bad guys, being heroic and morally right in every way...hell its like watching 'Mary Poppins' with an assault rifle. Much more visually impressive and exciting than the first film, not as serious and bleak as the second. It starts off seriously but soon descends into that familiar hokey action packed scenario where Chuck goes around snapping necks without breaking sweat. God Bless the Stars n Stripes emblazoned across Chuck's chest.

8/10

Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985)

Well if that title doesn't tell you all you need to know I don't know what will. Both of these films were filmed at the same time, back to back, but for some odd reason the powers that be decided to release the sequel first then this film as a sequel prequel. Why exactly I don't know as it makes no sense whatsoever, I don't think there were any issues so why muddle things is a mystery.

This film simply tales the tale of how Braddock got captured and held captive in Nam before breaking out and getting to the point we see him in 'Missing In Action'. Its all very straight forward and like the other film, very by the numbers step by step action flick fluff.

Mind you this film is slightly more adult than the first film. Most of the plot takes part within the POW camp and shows us some mildly nasty stuff. The odd bit of torture, beatings, mock executions, real executions, torment, getting burned alive with flame throwers etc...it is a bit harrowing in a semi-harrowing kind of way. Nothing that will make you lose sleep, its not a dramatic epic true to life event flick, but its based on the reality of real Nam POW camps and does offer a touch of emotion.

The evil sadistic POW camp leader is nicely portrayed by Soon Tek-Oh. Much like Drago in 'Delta Force 2' this film is saved by his smooth villainous ways, his almost charming tone of speech, wry smile and merciless manner. His henchmen soldiers are all your standard Vietnam war types if I can say that, they just appear very stereotypical to look at I guess. Same can be said for Chuck's boys, militant and loud mouthed yanks with blonde hair, blue eyes and the token black guy (who dies). As for Norris...well its business as usual with the headband, Uzi and his lumberjack looks. He says little and acts badly while doing it, but we don't ask that of Norris do we, we just want him to grunt stare and kill bad guys tamely.

The film looks better than the first that's for sure but I'm starting to get bored of bamboo huts within green South East Asian jungles. Still we are given some more explosions, bigger ones this time and a more interesting array of deaths for various military personnel good and bad. Its still fun as we see Chuck wear down the evil Colonel and survive his torture tricks. It is more realistic than the previous film but overall it does also feel a bit of an excuse just to see Chuck take out an entire camp of bad guys...again.

Still its on par with the original film in my opinion, the more adult approach is welcome adding some tension, the corniness of the first film has been cut back. Its also funny and hackneyed that when this film was made it was common practice that the goodie black guys all get killed off whilst most of the blue eyed white guys survive to fight another day, old movie cliches huh.

7/10

Missing in Action (1984)

Chuck's first main franchise and one of his classic actioners. Only two years after the release of 'First Blood' you can see where this idea main have spawned from eh. In fact a script by James Cameron intended for the Rambo franchise was the inspiration for this very film so there. But since then this film itself has been copied many times, the ever popular one man army with a big gun.

The mission, Chuck only just got back from Nam where he was held prisoner by some nasty Vietnamese. Once back in the States he realises there are still US POW's MIA back in Nam, so what does he do?. Well he packs up and goes back into the danger zone to find them of course. Isn't there a chance he might get killed or recaptured you say? pfft! Chuck Norris laughs in the face of danger, he tweaks the nipples of fear, he curses politely at those who stand against him.

So I'll leave the extremely obvious Rambo similarities aside and just give my views on the action. Well it takes time to get there that's for damn sure, a long time. There is much build up and deliberation as Chuck works out what he's gonna do and how he will do it. Takes him ages to find his old army buddy for a start, not sure why that guy was such a big secret with the locals but there you go.

Once we do hit the action its...well OK I guess. Dare I say its identical to 'Delta Force' in the sense that you never see any blood, violence, squib hits (not many) etc...I've mentioned before how Chuck's films tend to be like A-Team episodes haven't I, well its deja vu again. Now I'm not saying its bad because its not, its reasonable fun watching Norris run around gunning men down, but its hella tame.

What I love about this film is the horrendous editing and feeble accuracy by everyone involved shooting a gun. So many times you get a shot of someone firing a machine gun (bad guys), just standing there and firing continuously at an enemy yet they never hit a thing!. You don't see any bullet hits, no sound of bullet hits, no ricochets nothing, they just stand there firing blankly and never running out of ammo, its quite amusing. All the while the other person is doing the exact same thing haha both firing continuously at each other yet nothing is happening around them, doesn't matter how close they are or how well hidden they are, classic.

It really is a low rent Rambo, gotta say it, Rambo minus any blood, violence and real tension. Norris just waltzes in and terminates everyone without even bothering to aim much, whilst the enemy couldn't hit a barn door right in front of their face, glorious!. Bottom line that's what you watch it for, the classic hokey action which so many films homage and have spoofed ('Hot Shots 2').

Chuck wins the day, was it ever in question? no, he doesn't even get a scratch bless him. The explosions are grand, chop-socky fighting and the action sequences are as corny as a corn on the cob...but its still fun to watch I can't deny. The minute I saw Chuck rise from beneath the murky river waters brandishing his huge M60 machine gun clad in those classic army fatigues with head band...I knew it had all been worth while.

7/10

Lone Survivor (2013)

This film was made by Peter Berg, the same guy who made 'Battleship'!...well I guess that explains the casting of Taylor Kitsch again. Man talk about not learning lessons, Kitsch was the only guy in this film that genuinely didn't fit the bill, next to Wahlberg and Foster it is clear.

This film is based on a real event back in 2005 when the US managed to get some of their military killed...yet again. Four SEAL's are dropped into enemy territory in Afghanistan for surveillance and reconnaissance but are soon discovered by local goat herders. After releasing them the heat is on as the team must evac asap before the Taliban come after them, sure enough they do.

The beginning of the film is very interesting as it shows real footage of real men going through hell to try and become SEAL's. From there on we do get some time to get to know the team that will be our guide through this ordeal, not a lot of time mind you but its enough. There isn't much hanging around as the film moves quickly into the main crux of the film, before you know it we're sneaking around the rocky bush in a mountainous region of Afghanistan.

I'm not gonna sweet talk it but this film is all about the long fightfire between the SEAL's and the Taliban after their mission was compromised. There isn't much else to the film other than that, but what you see is damn intense. At first the small team have everything under control taking down the enemy calmly and smoothly and it makes you feel at ease, it feels like a cool action flick. But bit by bit the team become more and more overrun and seem to be becoming outnumbered as the fight continues. The men are forced to move from spot to spot desperately trying to find good cover to return solid fire and the intensity of the action becomes greater and greater. You are on the edge of your seat the whole time this fight rages on, you know from fact that only one will survive and you know who, but it doesn't detract from the immensely harrowing fight for survival taking place before your eyes, its relentless.

This firefight must be one of the top 'action' sequences I have seen for some years and the fact its based on reality drills it home hard. Seeing these four guys slowly getting battered, bruised, shot and exhausted by the continuous siege of the enemy is sobering to say the least. What really hits you is the decisions they had to make to carry on, the fact they had to jump down cliff faces as they were pushed back. When watching these sequences I did find myself wondering if the film wasn't embellishing on the truth somewhat (only the remaining survivor can really say), its possible but apparently not. The same could be said about each of the SEAL's getting shot various times, it did seem a bit too Hollywood to me, how could these guys be getting shot over and over and still be carrying on? I have since read the wounds on the SEAL's shown were gotten from medical records and are precise!

As the story gets deeper we then see how a US MH-47 chopper is blasted out of the sky by an RPG! Again this is based on reality and happened but you couldn't have scripted it better if you think about it. A terrible set of events but it makes for a thrilling film no doubt and you gotta give Berg and his cast kudos for bringing it across for all to see. I was impressed by both Wahlberg's and Foster's performances here, not just because they are the big names on campus but the clear determination on their faces to bring the horror and realism of the situation to the surface whilst truly honouring the men they portrayed.

It does of course feel very patriot as you would expect with a US military flick and the focus is more on the action in the main battle rather than the characters. One let down of the film being the entire fictional Hollywood finale which wasn't required at all, but rather shows us that all Hollywood is concerned about is the bloodshed and violence in the event and adding more just in case. The whole thing does feel like war porn, just seeing these guys shot to bits slowly in a fracas that got out of hand quickly and the US lost, this kind of thing has probably happened many times and we'll never know. The US seem to be very good at messing up their military ops and then making courageous patriotic films about them, cynically saying that is.

Never the less the film is a hard hitting visual and audio spectacle that does manage to convey to us what happened with the majority of the film being truthful. I know it sounds cliched but this is easily 2013's 'Black Hawk Down'. So Mr Berg there you have it, you have found your niche, less 'Battleship' crapola, less Taylor Kitsch and more films like this.

8/10

The Monster Squad (1987)

Bunch of savvy kids that have their own secret club, a neat treehouse base and end up on a spooky adventure trying to stop supernatural forces...you could say this has a 'Goonie' influence. Hell the young boys even have a fat kid amongst their ranks and he wears loud brightly coloured shirts too.

The plot is hammy as hell but it is suppose to be a homage and twist on the classic B-movie horror genre and of course Universal horror monsters. Putting all the big name supernatural beings together and sticking them in the 80's (present day back then). All the classic monsters including Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, Gill-man, the Wolf Man and The Mummy teaming up to try and take over the world with a supernatural amulet, only the kids can stop them. The only way they can be stopped is to open a portal into limbo and kick them through...this whole idea visually looks identical to the portal sequences in the 'Evil Dead' franchise.

So the whole thing is really cheesy and silly as it is suppose to be a kids flick, but it is?? There is actually some quite edgy scenes in the film with visible blood and body parts! when Wolf Man gets blown into pieces for example, nothing much hidden. Some scenes are also a bit scary for the younger viewer in my opinion. Again Wolf Man attacking people and transforming in classic 'American Werewolf' style, stakes through various hearts with blood, Dracula trying to actually kill the kids and the makeup doesn't skimp with realism.

The monsters all look as they should in classic style but they certainly aren't tame by any means. Wolf Man has a much wilder vicious look which is pretty scary, Gill-man is the best if you ask me, he looks terrific, whilst Frankie is as expected as is The Mummy. Its only Dracula who doesn't really thrill, the casting seems a bit off to me, the guy in the role just doesn't look right, he's too young and 'modern' looking if you get me. There are also Dracula's vampiresses who look as you would expect but they have no purpose in the film, kinda under used idea really, clearly crammed in.

Naturally there are plot issues a plenty which don't really matter but they do stick out. Why exactly does Dracula have Frankie in the first place? Where did Dracula get that big black slick custom hearse?? he's only been in the US about one day! and how did he get a hold of that big mansion? is it his?? The most obvious to me was why exactly Gill-man, The Wolf Man and The Mummy all joined Dracula in the first place, they all just appeared and teamed up. So before hand what exactly did Gill-man do? he just like...lived in the swamp? how did he and The Mummy know Dracula had arrived in the region? I'm guessing it was his supernatural powers. None of the monsters have any real backstory, it all just happens.

The silliest of all was in the finale when Van Helsing appears from the portal to drag Dracula through it. But if Helsing was in limbo how did he get out to do that? and wouldn't he wanna try and stay in the real world once getting out?! I'm pretty sure it wasn't easy.

Its certainly a strange beast this film, its hardly for kids with the blood, monsters and Dracula going around snapping cops necks, yet it is aimed at kids with the young Goonie-esque line up. The young cast are good but the whole time you can't help but think they really wanted Corey Feldman, Haim and Astin in the main roles. Pretty much cast everyone from 'The Goonies' in this and while you're at it call it 'Goonies 2'. End of the day the film was just an excuse to bring back all the classic B-movie monsters and have them looking top dollar with modern makeup (for the time of course). And it works plain and simple, the plot is daft with many holes but it doesn't really matter, its a flick for ghoulish monster lovers with a touch of Indy adventure for good measure.

8/10