Best of the Best (1989)

After a flurry of big hit movies such as 'Top Gun', 'The Karate Kid', and 'Bloodsport', with martial arts and all-American jingoism being at their peak, it was inevitable that more popcorn movies like this would appear.

This is a strange mix of the above, and one that I can't quite decide if I like or not. There is an international martial arts tournament coming up in South Korea, and America must pick its fighters. Five athletes are chosen and must undergo a rigorous training program before heading off to the competition. Once there. The five fighters will take on five Korean fighters in a showdown for points. Who will be the best of the best?

For starters, what kind of international competition is this? The only countries competing are America and South Korea, and it's a five vs. five competition with each fighter paired against another, one at a time? It's clearly a proper legit competition, no underground setup or anything, but for such a grand setup, it's very small in scale and with limited competitors.

As for the actual US fighters, well they're your typical videogame-type roster. Chris Penn is the typical brash, heavyset American bully character who wears a Stetson. Not even sure how he got picked really, seeing as he's a bad loser and very aggressive. Then you have the streetwise Italian guy who's a bit of a showoff. The quiet spiritual Buddhist guy. Phillip Rhee is your stereotypical sensible Asian fighter who's probably the best of the bunch. And finally Eric Roberts as the all-round fighter who's just a decent guy, yet looks like a villain.

The five are coached by Frank Couzo, portrayed by a totally out of place (for this type of budget movie) James Earl Jones, who is bizarrely and unrealistically strict. Like this guy trains his fighters as if they were in the military. Heck, half the time this movie feels like a military flick with a bunch of guys training for the special forces or whatever. When Eric Roberts character suffers a family crisis with his son getting hit by a car, Couzo refuses to let him go see the kid! If he does, he's off the team. So he quits, as does Rhee's character after a training accident. It's at this point I started wondering if this competition could go on seeing as the US team was now down to only three fighters. Seems like it would have been cancelled, but Coach Couzo didn't give a shit apparently.

I should also point out that a female coach is also brought in at one point to help Couzo. Unfortunately this character does virtually nothing and has no real reason to be in the film other than being the hot blonde woman. You could literally take this character out of the movie and lose nothing, it wouldn't make any difference at all. I genuinely think they added her to the movie just for sex appeal.

As you might expect there are a few training montages throughout, accompanied by a typical 80's soundtrack. They are exactly what you're thinking, literally, and they suffice. Again, expect a bit of 'Karate Kid', a bit of 'Rocky', and a dash of 'Top Gun' machoism and sweat. The beginning of the movie sees the boys get into a big bar fight before they start their training. They all literally destroy this place as coach Couzo watches and doesn't once think to stop them before they get arrested or seriously hurt. Other than that not much happens until the big finale battle.

The grand showdown certainly looked pretty good. Again, it's exactly what you're thinking. Take a pinch of 'Karate Kid', a pinch of 'No Retreat No Surrender', and a decent amount of 'Bloodsport' and voila! Each fighter takes on their Korean opponent. Chubby Penn goes down. The Italian goes down. The Buddhist goes down. Eric Roberts manages to get his shoulder busted but continues to fight and win with one arm strapped up (he literally wins with only one arm). Then finally Rhee's character has the all important final fight with the one Korean with the eye-patch who, as it turns out, killed his brother! Don't worry, he wins, but he doesn't finish him with a fatality, he chooses friendship, literally.

So strange as it might seem, the Yanks actually lose the tournament, down to Rhee being all nice. But the Koreans get all soppy, and in the very end its a big hug and make-up moment. Overall the final showdown is pretty decent, but at the same time a bit cheap looking really. The odd shot of about ten people watching and cheering in a US bar doesn't really help because it looks like they had an extras shortage. Also, the fight commentator sounded like something from a TV sitcom, really amateurish. 

I can see why this has gained a bit of a cult status, what with the casting and reasonable fight sequences. Looking back its certainly up there with other tournament fight movies, what few there were. It's pretty obvious that the reason this never took off back in the day was simply that Jean Claude Van Damme had cornered that particular market. He was the martial arts King in Hollywood and no one was coming close. Had Van Damme been in this, well now you're talking, the movie takes on a whole new level. As it stands now looking back, yeah its fine, a solid fight flick, even if the movie poster does make Roberts look like the main bad guy.

6/10

Major League: Back to the Minors (1998)

A new season, new team, new roster, new coach...same old story?

Yes back in 1989 we were gifted with the surprise sports hit 'Major League' which saw the mix of rugged veteran stars and upcoming newbie stars come together to produce one of the best baseball movies to date. The fact that it was a decent comedy as well was just the icing on the cake. Five years later we were given a sequel that was basically a poor remake of the first with the odd change in casting. It was a new season, but the same shit happened all over again. This now leads us to this belated sequel, nearly ten years after the original classic. Was it worth the wait?

So this time, we meet up with Minor League pitcher Gus Cantrell (Scott Bakula) who has recently been caught cheating in a game. Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen), now the owner of the Minnesota Twins, hires him to manage their Minor League affiliate team The Buzz. Naturally, this team are not doing too well and the roster is made up of various eccentrics and weak players. Can Cantrell turn this team around? So yeah, it's the same spiel, the only difference here is the plot deviates somewhat as Cantrell clashes with the Twins manager and both teams end up playing each other in a challenge (which turns out to be the movie's big finale game).

I guess one of the funny things about this movie is the fact they couldn't tear themselves away from the original two movies entirely. They had to try and get previous actors and their characters back despite the fact it doesn't really add up. Harry Doyle (Bob Uecker) is back commentating for The Buzz games. Why? Why would this one-time big league sports commentator now be working with a Minor League team? And coincidentally, The Buzz. Catcher Rube Baker (Eric Bruskotter) is now coincidentally playing for The Buzz. Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert) and Tanaka (Takaaki Ishibashi) both come back to coincidentally play for The Buzz. Heck, even Duke Temple (Steve Yeager) is back, now a coach with the Twins! I get that they wanted some continuity with the previous movies but this just seems unrealistic as most of these players would be retired by now or possibly still with Major League teams. But also, this is supposed to be more of a standalone movie, so don't rely on characters from the previous movies.

As for the plot, I appreciate that they did at least try something somewhat different this time. Yeah most of the movie revolves around The Buzz trying to get better in the league, but the deviation to challenging the Twins after both managers get into a childish fight is a reasonable move. The Twins manager is played by Ted McGinley who delivers a decent, devious man-child-like character in the Twins manager. This works well against Bakula's sensible nice-guy persona. The thing is, it's the same type of persona Bakula always uses, he's a bit of a one-note actor. Think Sam Beckett as a baseball manager.

 As for the rest of the team, you have a player who used to be a ballerina. A pitcher who pitches really slowly. A player who is old and overweight. Rube Baker still can't throw to basemen, Cerrano and Tanaka don't seem to have improved with Major League experience, but they do have one decent hitter in Billy 'Downtown' Anderson (Walton Goggins), who keeps the team afloat. So expect the usual type of baseball hijinks, but maybe not as much as you might expect.

Overall this isn't too bad really. It's actually much better than the second sequel 'Major League II' because that merely went over the same ground, a soft reboot almost, even redoing the same sight gags and hijinks. A complete waste of time, but this third entry actually does try to be different and does well introducing some new characters. Obviously, this was always gonna be along the same lines as the previous movies, it's a baseball story, so what do you expect. But overall this movie is a nice, easy-going sports comedy that should please sports and comedy fans alike.

6/10

The Return of Captain Nemo (1978)

 

So this is an interesting little nugget I discovered whilst reading about other similar themed movies of yore. A long lost adventure sequel of sorts about Captain Nemo set in the future of 1978 (the same year the movie was made). I knew I had to see this.

Upon a little more research, I also discovered that this wasn't actually a movie! No, this was actually a three-part TV series produced by the legendary Irwin Allen (trying to recapture the glory of 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea'). This movie is simply the three parts stitched together to sell to the foreign audience. Something that was often done back in the day with TV shows, 'Battlestar Galactica' and 'Buck Rogers' did the same with their initial episodes. The story is, of course, very loosely based around the original story written by Jules Verne (I don't think the Nautilus had lasers, force fields, or kinetic projection capabilities originally).

So on the outlook, this looks and sounds amazing! Just look at that poster! It's just screaming to be watched. Unfortunately things go downhill quite quickly when you actually start watching. A couple of US Navy divers accidentally discover the Nautilus lying dormant in the Pacific. How the sub has never been seen up till that point is anyone's guess. The divers manage to get inside and find Nemo somehow frozen in suspended animation since 1877, apparently. Naturally Nemo is released from his frozen hibernation, is right as rain within minutes, and ready to continue his hunt for Atlantis. 

But wait! There's a snag. The US (and the world I presume) is being terrorised by a super-genius mad professor with his own super hi-tech submarine, and he's threatening to blow up DC unless they give him a gazillion in gold bullion. Hold on! Two US Naval officers just found the Nautilus! They just found Captain Nemo and his wealth of technology from the 1800's! They just discovered the technology of cryogenically freezing a Human Being! They just discovered a man and his machine long thought to be pure science fiction! No time for any of that now!! Just use him and his sub to go after this terrorist guy.

Yeah, so whilst the threat of a mad professor and his robot-maned super sub is a worry, the fact that a fictitious character from a science fiction book just got discovered in suspended animation from 1877, quickly takes a back seat. In fact everyday life just carries on. Nemo isn't at all bothered about the fact he's now living in 1978, and the US Navy is quite happy to use him for their own requirements. 

The whole story feels very rushed and not well thought out. Nemo and his new US Naval crew seem to thwart the mad scientist quite easily on a few occasions throughout the runtime. No sooner had they beaten the professor they managed to discover the lost city of Atlantis! Not so lost after all. But no sooner have they made this miraculous discovery (another one), they have to battle the mad professor again. No time for any in-depth chatter about the civilisation of Atlantis, how they apparently breathe underwater, their tech, or how much of an amazing discovery for mankind this is, batten down the hatches mates! There's action to be had!

This really is a curious hidden gem, well, not that much of a gem. The casting of the two main leads is pretty stella, obviously down to Irwin Allen's involvement. Nemo is played by José Ferrer, and oh boy does he go for it here. He's clearly loving this, and he looks great too, the perfect vision of Nemo (or Captain Birdseye). The mad professor is played by Burgess Meredith, who gives a wide-eyed, short-tempered, manic genius similar to that of his 'Penguin' performance alongside Adam West in 'Batman'. Unfortunately Meredith had to act around his crew of the lamest looking robots you've ever seen. I dunno why they bothered, should have just had a Human crew. They also forgot to give Meredith any sort of costume?

Some of the highlights are obviously the nice submarine model sequences and real-time underwater sequences. Part of the action throughout is, amusingly, seeing Nemo having to go out into the ocean to fix something, or free something. I don't get why Nemo had to go, surely he would stay on board as a Captain would, let the younger Naval guys do it. I'm also pretty sure the modern Naval men would be far more in the know about everything. Nemo would only be able to offer limited info as his knowledge would be centuries out of date. Anyway, the sequences look solid and it was a nice touch to have Nemo using his original Nautilus diving suit (although I'm sure the Navy could have provided him with an up-to-date one when they fixed the Nautilus in San Francisco dry dock).

You can tell this was an Allen production with its familiar-looking sets, the apparent robot obsession, and the obligatory inclusion of the attractive female crew member for no real reason. This version I watched has clearly been chopped up in places because the plot jumps from time to time. I believe they had to cut it down to fit a movie's run time. So that didn't help. You can see why this was never picked up by the studios as it's essentially a poorer version of 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea', only Ferrer makes it worth checking out. I'm still not really sure how the Nautilus would offer any real advantages over modern sub technology. Well I guess the Navy couldn't compete with the mad professors 'Delta Beam'.

5/10

2012 (2009)

You know, I was feeling kinda down recently, a bit low, unsure why really, getting old doesn't help. So what way to make myself feel a bit better? Watch a movie about the destruction of the Earth! Realising that actually, things aren't that bad and could be worse. Just need to win that damn lotto!

So, there was a time when Roland Emmerich was a top Hollywood director churning out sure-fire sci-fi hits. After numerous solid adventures into the unknown realms of science fiction, Emmerich took a turn into the disaster genre. The difference with this disaster flick is that it would feature the literal end of the world, incorporating all natural disasters such as quakes, tidal waves, fires, volcanoes etc...

The plot is pretty straightforward. Without delving deep into actual science, unprecedented massive solar flares are slowly heating up the Earth's core which in turn is causing massive unprecedented shifts in the Earth's crust. All this of course leads to massive unprecedented natural disasters which culminate in a massive unprecedented tidal wave, or tsunami as the cool kids like to say these days. Cue lots and lots of different ways to watch boatloads of people get killed. I guess its not really 'enjoyment', but more of morbid curiosity.

Obviously, like ALL the other disaster flicks you've seen, there are numerous characters which we, the audience, follow as the world collapses around them. Every cliche and trope is here, present and correct, as you might expect. Yet despite the unoriginality of it all, I can't deny, like any other disaster movie, there are times when the emotion does get you. You know its coming, you can see it a mile away, but damn it, the movie still manages to choke you up at times. Damn my Human fragility.

The disaster porn on show here is right up there with the best I can't deny. The special effects still hold up pretty well in parts, the CGI does what it needs to do well. Almost every incident is quite an eye-opener and grabs you in the feels. The start of the action is a bit dodgy but things definitely get better. Obviously there are problems, lots of problems, some dumb, some defying reality and science. Initially as LA starts to rip apart and our main characters are trying to escape, they do so by literally outdriving the destruction. It's almost like watching an in-game videogame sequence, like 'Crazy Taxi' or something, dodging all the devastation. Things rapidly get more and more unbelievable in this sequence and you are forced to suspend your disbelief.

There are many many moments in this movie where the core characters escape the seemingly inescapable, deus ex machina moments for sure. On the flip side there are the usual dumb people who simply seem to give up or not care about living, and just remain in place allowing themselves to get obliterated. The President of the United States (a stoic Danny Glover) choosing to stay with his people at the White House is one such example. Woody Harrelson's crazy conspiracy theory character choosing to stay and watch Yellowstone erupt is another. Luckily there are no dog (or other animal) scenarios to worry about. Because God damn, we all lose the plot if an animal is in peril.

The funny thing is, in this movie Oliver Platt portrays the stern, no nonsense, White House Chief of Staff. Now this guy is essentially following the science and simply wants to get everyone to the ark (yes that kind of ark) and secure it ready for the final mega-tsunami. Of course this line of thinking is about hard choices, survival of the Human race. But naturally, for cinematic purposes, various other characters are against this and have a more sensitive moral outlook, because they are the 'good guys' which we, the audience, should support. But in reality, it's Platt's Chief of Staff whom I found myself supporting, because he made more sense. He wasn't prepared to risk the vital few for the many which could have resulted in no one surviving (obviously it all works out in the end, because movie!). 

This is a typical Hollywood liberal view on things like this. A view that always works out in the movies but in reality would be extremely dangerous. Is it me or did Oliver Platt also look a lot like Democrat Chicago Govenor JB Pritzker? 

Is it also just me but did those arks look really really solid, and it seemed like them hitting the rocks/mountains wouldn't have caused THAT much damage? They were literally thick armour-plated floating skyscrapers. I just don't think bumping into the mountains would have done too much. Anyway, this is an enjoyable movie for sure, it does exactly what it says on the tin, and exactly what you'd come to expect. It delivers on everything, bottom line. Yes it's stupid in places, but it's an action thriller movie for Pete's sake, it's not supposed to be exact science.

6/10

The Naked Gun (2025)

Sacrilege! Were my first thoughts upon hearing about this reboot. We all know Hollywood has a bad record when it comes to reboots, especially when it comes to reboots of classics, especially comedies. Their recent track record for reboots, remakes, and late-in-the-day sequels or prequels isn't the best either. But did we REALLY need a reboot/sequel to this classic spoof franchise? How on Titan could you even go about replacing Leslie Nielsen??

Well, in short, no, we did not need this new entry in the 'Naked Gun' franchise. Yes, it's a reboot and a sequel at the same time. This movie follows on from the last entry as we now follow the son of Frank Drebin, now played by Liam Neeson. Was this a good choice? Well, who on earth else could you cast? I'm struggling to think of ANYONE that could fill Nielsen's shoes. I guess flipping Neeson's recent spate of action man roles into all-out comedy does kinda work. Nielsen went from serious roles into spoof comedy so...Thing is, will I be able to look at another serious action flick with Neeson seriously again?

Straight off the bat this movie makes some huge errors. Where is the classic theme tune? How could you not include that?? Where is the classic police car siren POV gag intro sequence?? Seriously! How could you leave THAT out?? But then they go and tack it on the end credits? And all they do is simply replay all the segments from the original movies? Why not make your own? Plenty of things they could have done, come on now! Ugh!!!

But again I find myself asking questions. Just who is this movie for exactly? People who grew up with Nielsen and this franchise (middle-aged folk like myself), will probably be intrigued, morbid curiosity, but I'm unsure if they will like it (I'm not sure myself). Many younger folk probably haven't even heard of this franchise, or Nielsen! Yes the original trilogy was big back in the day, but they have been somewhat criminally forgotten over time, especially with most of the main cast long gone.

Anyways, the plot is right in line with previous entries. Drebin has to solve a mysterious crime concocted by local wealthy businessman Richard Cane. He wants to revert all Humanity back to its primal state so everyone kills each other off leaving him and his wealthy elite to start the Human Race over; meh. What follows is a somewhat satisfactory attempt at trying to recreate the golden age of spoof that Zucker and Nielsen rattled off so easily. All in all, it feels more scattershot in nature as lots of gags are thrown at us and only a few manage to stick (for me at least).

As Drebin and Beth (Pamela Anderson, yes that one) are enjoying an evening in, with the dog, one of Cane's henchmen watches from afar with a heat vision scope. What he sees is admittedly one of the best moments in this movie. Typically vulgar, crass, juvenile, and surprisingly X-rated in my humble little opinion...hilarious! Another little moment of genius comes and goes quickly but had me giggling for some time, as Drebin mispronounces the word 'manslaughter'. The mini thriller plot involving a snowman was pretty neat. And the sequence with Drebin illegally getting a confession out of Cane's henchman, only to be caught in an internal sting operation, which in turn is then caught in another sting operation and so forth...was quite brilliant.

So aside from the odd moment of comedic originality, everything else we see is a parade of mostly sight gags that fall flat, or are simply the same gags they used in the original movies. Continuity appreciated, I guess, but it also felt lazy. This is the impression I got throughout really. This isn't a bad comedy, not at all. For this modern era of garbage, this is actually pretty solid, and a far better late-in-the-day reboot sequel than most (Dumb and Dumber 2, Coming to America 2, Bill & Ted 3 etc...). The main cast is actually pretty good and fit the bill perfectly. The criminally underused Danny Huston (who still hasn't been cast as The Joker yet) was a better villain than Robert Goulet, in my opinion. And Pammy Anderson? What can I say? The perfect mature, sexy seductress type for Drebin to monologue over in his mind. Wasn't so sure about the guy playing Captain Ed Hocken's son. He came across like a poor man's Danny McBride.

So apart from making me feel really quite old (oh Pammy! What happened?!), did this do it for me? Well yes and no. Like I said, this is definitely one of the better modern reboots I've seen in a long time. It's also one of the better modern movies (and comedies) I've seen amongst the dross. But overall, it still feels like a whimpering attempt to try and hit the lofty heights of the original classics. On its own as a stand-alone flick, yeah it works better, but let's be frank (pun intended I guess), this didn't need to be made. This movie only made me miss Leslie's genius even more.

5/10

Predator: Badlands (2025)

I'm old enough to remember a time when there were only two 'Predator' flicks and fanboys like myself were yearning for sequels, big time! Literally anything, although back in those days prequels and animated spin-off flicks weren't really a thing. But now, now we have a whole host of Yautja flicks hitting the screens, but is that good?

So here comes the latest entry in the franchise. Where does it sit within said franchise? How does it fit? It's complicated, but I believe this takes place after 'Alien3', and before 'Alien Resurrection'. Whether or not this is confirmed I don't know. Frankly, this franchise should be straightforward, but with the introduction of the Xenomorph in two failed 'AvP' flicks. Ridley Scott's 'Alien' prequels that disregard the 'AvP' flicks. A third Predator flick that went nowhere ('Predators'). Another Predator sequel that also failed ('The Predator'). And now an 'Alien' TV series (that also appears to have failed), these two franchises have become an entangled mess of epic proportions.

The plot is pretty simple enough, but told from the perspective of a Yautja, in their own language, with subs. So that's kinda cool, but being on the side of a Yautja is awkward in that it does wreck the mystery surrounding them. Double-edged sword situation really, neat idea, but it does wreck the Predator image going forward. Remember, the original movie was supposed to be an adult horror sci-fi, remember that? Yeah.

A weak Yautja (Dek) is to be executed (by his brother) for being useless on the orders of his extreme warrior father. The brother disobeys his father and helps Dek escape, but not before being executed himself by the father. Dek lands on another planet where he is to hunt the ultimate trophy in order to try and prove to his father he's a worthy Yautja. It just so happens that on this planet, there are also Weyland-Yutani synthetics that are also after the same trophy. Start the hunt!

Let's take this in steps. The Yautja home planet in this offering looks pretty good. It is well rendered, looks authentic, and it also looks similar to what we saw in 'AvP 2'. This could be another part of the planet for sure. Unfortunately the introduction we get to both Dek and his brother is entirely Marvel-esque in tone and very much like a videogame sequence. This did not fill me with much hope because right away you could tell this was not going to be a typical 'Predator' movie. I also didn't really like the alien species on offer. They couldn't come up with anything better than space elephants, space rhinos, and space monkeys? Really?

As for the main big bad trophy (a 'Kalisk'), well, that's a big space lion dragon hybrid, I guess. Oh, and it is virtually indestructible because it can regenerate its limbs, including its head! Yeah, take that as you will. I mentioned space monkeys, by that I refer to a specific cutesy little Snarf-like alien that gets called 'Bud'. This thing looks like it stepped off the set of a Lucas Star Wars prequel flick. Awful, truly awful. The plot twist with this thing is also obvious and doesn't make up for the turd design.

The Yautja, how do they look? Well, as you might expect, everything in this flick is CGI, so everything has that nasty plastic, glossy fake look to it. No matter how good CGI gets, the vast majority of it always has this same problem and is obvious to the Human eye, well mine at least. Dek is a mixed bag, much like the other Predators we see. His skin and features look okay, but obviously CGI. They got the deep, dark, gaunt yellow eyes correct, but the mouth/mandibles still don't look right. His dreads also look wrong, far too smooth and straight, almost snake-like. Dek's father suffers the same issues. Obvious CGI skin textures and facial growth, the mouth is off, and his dreads are too silky looking. Bottom line, the 1987 original movie (and 'Predator 2') STILL look better than this 2025 offering. That's kinda ridiculous frankly, kudos Stan Winston.

I should also point out that another problem with Dek were his body movements. One reason why Kevin Peter Hall was so damn fecking good as the Yautja in the original (superior) movies, was because he altered his body movements. He tried to move uniquely, trying to give the Yautja its own personality, so it didn't just look like a man in a rubber suit. The guy they motion captured for Dek just moves like a regular guy, like a Human. He clearly swaggers like a regular guy trying to look tough, it's obvious, and it looks lame.

As for the Weyland-Yutani side of things, meh, twas all very boring looking, no spark at all. The actors playing the synthetics offered nothing in terms of interest or engagement. I couldn't have cared less about these characters. The main synth Thia spent most of the movie only being a torso; which later gave us some cringe action sequences involving her apparent sentient legs. Everything involving this side of the plot was bland, boring, and sterile (although I get that is somewhat the point). When Dek fought the male synths it looked like he was fighting naff looking Terminators. And where was all the white synth blood and guts? Look what happened to Bishop in 'Aliens', none of that. I'm also not too sure why Thia, could speak Yautja and none of the others could. I did notice the newer Power Loaders, nope, didn't like them either. They went overboard as usual.

Naturally the finale gives us Yautja vs. Power Loader, because of course it does. A big orrible, weightless, CGI power loader stomping around like a manic Robocop 2 knock-off in yellow, sigh! Of course Dek gets smashed around all over the gaff, but suffers no injuries or broken bones or anything, because he's a flippin' superhero! Spoiler alert! The movie ends with Dek going back home to face his father, with the wrong trophy? Thinking everything will be cool? Huh? I dunno why he would bother, seeing as his dad killed his brother and wanted to kill him. But wait, Dek is a super Yautja now, he's beefed up and a top fighter hunter...apparently.

Okay so let's be brutally honest with the truth here. This isn't a bad movie. This is actually a reasonable sci-fi action adventure. BUT! This is not a 'Predator' movie. This felt like a rejected script from 'The Mandalorian'. This felt like a Star Wars project, potentially movie or TV series. This felt like a 'Guardians of the Galaxy' sequel, complete with goofy animal/alien sidekicks. This felt like it could easily be anything else if you removed the Yautja. Another heavily watered-down version of a 'Predator' movie with average CGI. Looking ahead, there is now a Yautja and a female synth Avengers team, complete with a huge tamed pet alien sidekick, running around in this franchise. Yep, this franchise has officially been Marvel-ified.

6/10

Red Sonja (2025)

 

So this came outta nowhere, literally. I have heard rumours here and there about this movie for years. Talk about directors and actresses for the main role, but nothing ever seemed to happen. It felt like the whole barbarian genre had gone down the toilet, especially after the failed Jason Momoa feature. Then up pops this! Unfortunately, there's a reason why you probably haven't heard much about this.

So the plot, yeah, the plot, oh geez! Sonja's homeland of Hyrkania is invaded by bad guys, and they kill everyone, like bad guys do. This forces a young Sonja to flee into the woods where she grows up alone worshiping the forest Goddess Ashera. Decades later, Sonja is captured by said bad guys and ends up fighting for her life in the bad guy capital cities arena...of death!!! Oh yeah, see there's this ancient mystical book that enables the main villain to energise the city with 'arcane power'. Problem is he only has half of it, luckily Sonja knows where the other half is. I think you can guess the rest.

Right so I'm not really sure what this arcane power was supposed to be. I'm not really up on my Red Sonja lore so I have no idea if this is something from the original comics or whatever. It seems to be some kind of magically electricity of sorts that...powers stuff? I think it allowed Emperor Dragan (the main villain) to control monsters and beasts with these mind control-type devices/implants. Anyway, Sonja destroys this power source midway through, so that put an end to that subplot. But not before we got a semi-action sequence involving a large CGI cyclops. Luckily, like all current invincible female action stars, Sonja merely leapt up onto its back and tore the implant off, hence saving the day.

I did for a minute think that this huge cyclops would maybe rampage through the city and maybe Sonja and co would have to stop it, save the innocent city folk, nope. Or perhaps the cyclops would join forces with Sonja after she saved it from being a brainwashed zombie slave to the Emperor, nope. Said cyclops literally vanishes from the movie in a heartbeat, one minute its there, the next its gone. I mean, really?

Speaking of action sequences, there are a reasonable amount here, but they are all mostly poor. It's quite clear fight choreography was limited, time-constrained, or just not that good. Most battles look really lame, really flat and uninspiring. The actors clearly don't know how to fight properly. The editing is up close and snappy leaving much to the imagination, and the blood we do see was more of an afterthought splashed on after the actual fighting. There are hints at brutal fatalities and more adult content, but clearly they chose the tamer route.

The world we see feels really quite small to be honest. There are some reasonable CGI city and landscapes dotted throughout but that's it, you never feel like you actually see anything. The vast city we see is not explored at all, interior wise. All we get is the battle arena, which in itself was unimpressive. There is no deeper exploration into this fantasy city, its population, culture etc...nothing. All we get are some interior castle sets, camps in the forest, a wooden fortress in the forest, a nice but obvious water shrine set...again in the forest. They clearly wanted to avoid anything involving mass amounts of extras or really big expensive sets.

Essentially, after Sonja escapes being a slave in the arena ('Gladiator' this most certainly is not) and destroys Dragans power source in his castle, the entire rest of the movie is spent in the wilderness with Sonja and her bunch of ragtag merry men fighting Dragan's evil forces of utterly useless knights. Yes all the knights in this movie are merely sword fodder for Sonja to cut down like butter, whilst looking menacing yet amusingly skinny and weak. Of course Dragan has some stronger allies. His second in command is, of course, a deadly ice-blonde bitch femme fatale...of sorts. I mean, that was the gist of it I'm guessing but she does practically nothing throughout. Then there are these Mandril-faced Humanoids? Is this species from the original source material or just made up for the movie? Not very original, and why Mandril faces? They seemed to be the only half-beast Humanoids, although we didn't see much of the population of this world so...

The big finale isn't much to write home about, much like all the other combat sequences, it's crap basically. All the good guys seem to be pretty invincible whilst all the bad guys just get cut down instantly. The armour is not much good in this realm. Emperor Dragan's ending is also weak and somewhat pathetic, much like the route they chose to take with this guy. The character was clearly based around a sort of spoilt wealthy Roman elite type, more of a politician than a fighter. An interesting take but ultimately it comes across as more annoying. They should have had a more imposing character.

End of the day, it's highly evident that this production lacked any sort of proper budget that an IP like this deserves. Everything looks and feels cheap and painfully small in scale. Again it feels like I've gone back to a time when low-budget guff like this was much more common with high-end franchises. Yes the character of Sonja does look better, and more accurate than the 1985 version, but this version looks much worse, very tacky in comparison (the difference a proper cinematographer makes). Bottom line, this looks and feels like a TV series production, maybe they should have gone that route instead.

4/10