The Last Kumite (2024)

 

Jean-Claude Van Damme returns in this epic martial ar...oh no wait, it's just a very lame rip-off.

Yeah, it is what it is and here we have just another crappy low budget attempt at making a cult classic entirely based on the original classic 'Bloodsport'. The movie is officially labelled as a homage to classic martial arts flicks of yore but I think we all know better. I should point out this was a Kickstarter project, meaning it was crowdfunded by a fanbase essentially, hence some of the issues such as the overall cheapness and filming location. 

I will also point out that I came across this via a chance YouTube video watch of YouTuber Oliver Harper (someone I used to watch a bit more often before he split with fellow YouTubers Richard Jackson and Duncan Casey). I believe Harper edited this movie, did that make a difference here? I don't wanna say no...but no it didn't. Not too sure why you would use a small-ish YouTuber to edit your movie but there we go. I get funds were limited but still...

So our future hero Michael (some no-name actor called Mathis Landwehr) wins a martial arts competition and manages to gain the attention of a shady guy named Ron Hall, yes Ron Hall (Matthias Hues of 'Dark Angel'). Hall offers Michael a chance to compete in an underground kumite in Eastern Europe for 1 million Dollars if he wins. Michael declines, so Hall kidnaps his daughter to blackmail him into fighting, Michael accepts. Once in Europe Michael meets all the other fighters and discovers they too have been blackmailed. Michael befriends a few other fighters and they plan to find their relatives and escape, FIGHT!

So the plot is weak as hell, almost embarrassing. Only half the fighters seem to have been blackmailed, so the others are there by choice? Is blackmail really necessary to get fighters? Surely there would be loads willing to fight for 1 million in prize money illegal or not. But wait there's much more! Firstly, the casting here is terrible. They have managed to nab a couple retro all-stars with Cynthia Rothrock and Billy Blanks, both of whom look understandably very old and out of place. They also managed to get JCVD's old movie buddies Abdel Qissi and his brother Michel Qissi who also now look a bit old...but still solid. Everyone else are unknown actors, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is when none of them can act or even fight that well. Bolo Yeung's son is here as a random fighter because 'Bloodsport'!

The fighters are a cringeworthy bunch it has to be said by Jove! I mean I get that it's hard to come up with original looking characters for something like this as everything will probably get compared to older classic movies or certain classic videogames. Low and behold we get a roster of fighters that come across like certain videogame characters. There's the wise old oriental looking guy complete with mystic-looking facial hair (Gen). A fat bald guy (Sagat). A Mexican wrestler who never takes off his mask (no lie). A redneck looking American trucker type. A Black guy who looks and fights like Eddie Gordo from Tekken. One guy looks like Paco the kickboxer from good old 'Bloodsport'. Some alt-punk guy with piercings and a kilt. One of the main characters looks like a middle-aged dad next-door type, and of course the token female fighter who realistically wouldn't stand a chance, but representation and equality!

Alas the hits keep on coming with this dogpile. Not only is the plot weak and the characters laughable, the acting and action is also extremely poor. The entire thing comes across like a homemade movie that they shot in a community hall with the odd location shoot anywhere that looked somewhat grand or spiritual (in this case some old castle ruins I think? They add soothing Oriental style music to make it seem more exotic). The fact this was shot in Bulgaria says it all really. Eastern Europe is generally where you make bad movies with no money, and what's worse is you can tell. Eastern Europe has this specific look and feel that you just can't erase no matter how good your cameraman is. Had this been shot somewhere like Thailand it could have made all the difference, but what we are left with is incredibly dull and uninspiring visually. 

The meat and potatoes is of course the fighting...and the movie fails here too. The core problem being it all looks very fake and, criminally, you can actually see the kicks and swings not connecting. Of course there are the odd moments of badassery that work but on the whole it's few and far between. The reliance on spitting mouthfuls of fake blood with every connection is also rather ridiculous after the first few times, ditto the pointless gymnastics. The choice of actor for Michael (the hero) was an odd one to say the least. He has thinning hair with an actual combover, plus a very gaunt, long narrow face. He looks more like a villain than a hero and he can't act. I guess it was because physically he looks quite good, but surely there are loads of options these days?

As mentioned the other fighters (which we hardly ever see) are a mix of generic and cheesefest which didn't help and the main bad guy (the final boss character I guess) is a whole other level of cringe. It all looks like bad cosplay. I mean, the final fight between Billy Blanks and Hues (both over the hill) was literally shot on the driveway entrance of some Bulgarian stately home (laugh out loud!). You can see all the little signs dotted around for the public. It also kinda looked like the crew and their family and friends made up the cheering crowds watching the interior set fights because clearly none of them had a clue what to do. I reckon they used their own clothes too.

There is SO much wrong with this movie that it's impossible to include everything. Yes I know this was crowdfunded and wasn't supposed to be some kind of major blockbuster but Jesus Christ I was still disappointed with this outcome. I actually expected a solid fight fest on par with JCVD's earlier movies but this doesn't even come close. This is literally that bad low-budget affair you would see on the top shelf of the videoshop back in the day, but not in a good cult classic way (don't let the corking movie poster and new Stan Bush song fool you). I hope the folks behind this didn't think they could deliberately make some kind of low-rent flick with the hopes of it becoming a money-spinning cult classic later on down the line because that ain't gonna happen here. Either that or what we see before us today was a genuine attempt at a proper martial arts movie, not sure which is worse. However you look at it, this is utter garbage.

1/10

DC League of Super-Pets (2022)

 

So in this era of comicbook movies and the inevitable emergence of comicbook fatigue, what better way to try and suck some originality out of the genre than this, superhero pets.

Yeah so in the absence of any financial success for pretty much any of their movies, DC turns to animation and pets to try and eek out some money from any fanbase or audience going. In this kiddie flick we get some brief backstory for DC's greatest superhero Superman but this time with the added bonus of his pet dog Krypto. 

Old Sups lives as he does on Earth in a relationship with Lois Lane, his jealous preening narcissistic dog, whilst fighting crime with the Justice League. Unfortunately, the Justice League is defeated and captured by Lex Luthor using orange kryptonite, leaving Krypto alone. In a massive case of sod's law one of Luthor's guinea pig test subjects manages to gain superpowers with said orange kryptonite and decides to take over the Earth. Without the Justice League Krypto must save the Earth with the help of a random bunch of local pets.

So essentially what you have here is a standard generic superhero vs. supervillain plot, in animation form, but instead of Human heroes we have animals. The supervillain in question is a tiny pink bald (due to the orange kryptonite) female guinea pig (had to be female) called Lulu which just so happens to be rather annoying. No real idea why this guinea pig is so evil and the fact it's small yet a massive threat comes across as a tired trope. It doesn't help that this character is voiced by the unfunny (in my opinion) Kate McKinnon). The hero team is your typical quirky gang of misfits that really don't look like they would be of any help at all frankly. A dog, squirrel, kitten, fat pig, and tortoise. Yeah it's a kid's animated flick but really? I also found the fat pig a really annoying character. Just annoying visually, mannerisms, speech, and the fact its essentially a useless character.

Naturally these animals eventually all get superpowers themselves which enable them to fight back against Lulu. Naturally each animal's unique superpower is a trait associated with that animal. The fat pig can grow to an even bigger size. The tortoise gains super speed. The Boxer dog gains strength etc...In turn Lulu manages to gain some more guinea pig minions with superpowers to help her. All the superpowers are what you would expect. This all results in the same generic types of superhero battles we've seen a gazillion times before in both animation and live-action. Lots of throwing characters into things and the obligatory comicbook laser bolts/beams and what have you. Obviously no one is gonna die so expect any stakes here.

We do see the Justice League quite a bit in this movie which did amusingly lead me to think that this was almost like a fallback Justice League flick for the DC. Like, they failed with their live-action movies so let's try and kinda do it again in this animated kid's flick but not outrightly admit it. Plus DC gotta be seen to be keeping up with Marvel. DC went all out with this version oh yes, it was almost like they were trying to appease the fanbase. Obviously the look and feel of the characters are way more comedic and silly but visually at least it all looked comicbook accurate to me. Heck they even threw Black Adam in there too! Plus look at that voice cast! Keanu Reeves, Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, John Krasinski, Alfred Molina, Keith David, Diego Luna etc...You probably could make a live-action comicbook movie with that line up. It also amused me how they still lean on the joke that Batman is kinda useless in this superhero team because he's just a regular guy in a suit.

At the end of the day I'm not a overly massive comicbook fan and never was. I'm not in the know on everything DC and Marvel so I cannot go in deep detail over little easter eggs or what may or may not be comicbook accurate. I can say that I did always find it utterly hilarious, ridiculous, and kinda desperate that DC superheroes have pets, superpets no less. Always felt to me as if the creators ran out of ideas and just gave Sups a pet dog. I'm also not too sure what the language barriers are in this universe, can all Humans understand animals? Or just superheroes? Is it all animals or just specific species? 

Anyway I'm rambling on about a children's animated movie (secretly aimed at adult comicbook fans). Is this any good? Well I didn't really engage with it truth be told, I was bored. Yeah the CGI is nice but most of the animals were annoying and looked ugly. The plot is generic as hell and the comedy is tired. I mean, this is literally a paint-by-numbers cookie-cutter superhero flick but instead of Humans it's animals, that's it! It does the job but geez! Superhero fatigue is real.

5/10

Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977)

 

The third sequel in the Herbie franchise and despite the two movies being made in the 1970's there is a definite change in visual appearance between the two. Unfortunately the classic cozy charm of the Walt era directed by Disney stalwart Robert Stevenson was out, and a newer slightly slicker late 70's vibe from new director Vincent McEveety was in.

This time we are back alongside Jim Douglas (Dean Jones) who is now in Europe with his (new?) racing partner Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts). It appears that this third sequel has taken a line from the last movie by Tennessee Steinmetz's aunt referring to Herbie's last owner going to Europe to race, so that's what we have here. The plot is extremely simple and goes back to Herbie's racing roots. Douglas is in Paris to qualify for the Trans-France Race but must contend with other Euro drivers mocking his ride, a female driver with a car Herbie falls in love with, and two bumbling robbers that have hidden a large jewel in Herbie's gas tank. 

So first up, where the hell did Wheely come from? This guy talks like he's been racing with Douglas for decades, but where was he in the last two movies? No mention by Douglas ever. Clearly this role should have gone to Buddy Hackett as Tennessee but obviously that didn't happen. So I get the impression they had to create a new character but it sticks out like a sore thumb. Nothing wrong with the character per se but if you look closely he doesn't actually do anything during the movie, no mechanical tinkering at all. I think Tennessee was a better mechanic.

The love triangle, Humans and automobiles. Oh boy! So we know in this universe various objects can be sentient (cars, jukeboxes, trams etc...), but in this movie we find out that these sentient objects can also fall in love. Case in point, Herbie falls in love with a rival racing car which, apparently, is female? This leads to some of the more stupid and obviously soppy sequences in this flick. Herbie driving around Paris with no driver. Herbie literally going nuts in front of this female car and no one except a lone waiter notices. Both cars driving around on or in city gardens. Herbie, once again driverless, has a dip under a fountain and no one bats an eye. Both cars somehow drive onboard and ride a public ferry?? How the flip?! This led me to ponder, are any of the other racing cars sentient? 

The diamond thieves. So whilst all that racing tomfoolery is going on, two blundering crooks have stolen a huge diamond from the local Parisian museum or wherever. Because they fudge it up, in a desperate attempt to escape the law they hide the rock in Herbie's gas tank (which only appears in this movie a few times for plot convenience). They now spend the entire movie trying and failing to retrieve it. This is essentially the Saturday morning cartoon segment of the movie. The clear-cut 'Pink Panther' rip-off for kids. The two incompetent ham-fisted criminals are well played by Roy Kinnear and Bernard Fox, one an impatient thug, the other a well-spoken cad, but I feel like they are kinda embarrassing themselves here. Obviously their hijinks are aimed at kids but holy skid marks is it cringeworthy at times. To make matters even worse are the two clodhopping French policemen who are tracking the jewel. Inspector Clouseau you say? Yeah pretty much.

One such moment of typical Herbie madness has our heroes driving along a narrow cliff edge (surely they'd not do this?) after a deliberate diversion by the villains. This leads to a minor rockslide on Herbie which miraculously doesn't damage the car at all, not a scratch. After some further shenanigans the villains are subdued by the water from Herbie's windscreen washer jets (eh?), they then get buried in another rockslide and are left abandoned on the narrow cliff edge! Yet they turn up out of the blue in the next scene just like a cartoon. I know it's for kids, I know, I know.

Apart from these various downsides and plot holes the movie generally is good fun and handles the race factor well. The location work is absolutely stunning it must be said. There was clearly a lot of location shooting and it really pays off. The opening overhead sequence is fantastic. The racing in and around the tight streets of Paris look authentic and are beautifully shot. There are some pre-race sequences around the Eiffel Tower that look terrific, pretty sure they're location shots but could be matte paintings. Overall this flick surpasses the original in terms of visuals, it all looks like a massive advertisement for holidays abroad but at the same time really captures the Euro race vibe especially with all the Euro cars.

You could say this is a rerun of the original, after all it's just another racing story with a few subplots on the side. Douglas wants to make a big splash comeback and needs to win this race to do so. In both the original and this sequel it's mostly about Douglas and Herbie proving themselves and standing up against the mockery. The original had a Dick Dastardly-esque character to challenge them, and here there is another German Dick Dastardly-esque character to challenge them (plus the robbers here and there). 

So essentially it's the same again but in a different location, but it still works very well. The second movie went away from racing and was fine, but seeing Herbie back on the track is definitely better. The shift from racing across America to racing across Europe is a bit of a generic move but it gets away with it (another would have been too much). It's a shame the movie has lost that unique old-Walt American as apple pie charm but this is still a winning entry.

7/10

Herbie Rides Again (1974)

 

The inevitable sequel to the highly successful 1968 Disney original (now a classic) 'The Love Bug' which revolved around an apparent sentient 1963 Volkswagen Beetle.

The story follows on from the original movie with Herbie now residing with a little old lady in the same old 1892 firehouse in San Francisco. Said little old lady, Mrs Steinmetz (Helen Hayes), is the aunt of Tennessee Steinmetz (Buddy Hackett) in the original movie. Tennessee is said to be back in Tibet with his teacher, whilst we are told that Jim Douglas (Dean Jones) has since moved to Europe to continue racing; presumably the idea that led to the third movie. 

In this cute adventure Mrs Steinmetz's firehouse comes under threat from construction/demolition tycoon Alonzo B. Hawk (Keenan Wynn) who wants to build a huge skyscraper on the very land where Mrs Steinmetz's old firehouse still sits. Failing to get the land Hawk sends his kind-hearted nephew Willoughby (Ken Berry) to try and get Steinmetz out. Unfortunately for Hawk, over time, Willoughby sees things from Mrs Steinmetz's point of view and also starts to fall in love with local neighbour Nicole (Stefanie Powers). All together, along with Herbie, they must defend the firehouse from the potential pending doom of Hawk's bulldozers.

I think the main thing to hit you with this sequel is the fact that it's taken a much more kiddie-friendly approach in terms of hijinks. Of course the original movie was very silly in places, but this movie goes one step further and really gets a bit goofy. Straight away I'm now unsure about this particular 'universe' as it were because now there are lots of sentient vehicles (and other things) everywhere. San Francisco is full of sentient Volkswagen Beetles apparently, and they can communicate with each other. We also discover there are sentient trams and jukeboxes too! I guess these various sentient beings hide themselves away from the majority as no one seems to know about them other than the odd lucky (excentric) person.

As said the goofiness is turned up a notch this time. Herbie is seen chasing birds on the beach like a child (I guess Herbie is supposed to have the mind of a child?). He is seen surfing in the Pacific whilst also getting tailed by a shark (sharks eat cars?). Herbie can fit in external lifts for window cleaners, he can also fit along the ledges of tall buildings. Herbie is able to drive through a swanky restaurant causing no hassle at all. In a dream sequence we see dancing Herbie's in Native American attire (indeed). We also see multiple Herbie's with gaping monster maws leaping over fences (instead of sheep). We see tiny flying Herbie's attacking a giant Hawk atop the Empire State Building in a homage to 'King Kong' (pretty cool little idea). And finally, in probably one of the stupidest sequences, Herbie drives up the metal cables of the Golden Gate Bridge (with Hawk's lawyer goons in tow on foot!), and then reverses back down the same way! Obviously I think we can all agree these metal cables probably aren't the right width to allow this (mental note, silly kids flick).

Along with these moments of utter madness we unfortunately also see some pretty ropey special effects. Now don't get me wrong, back in the day these were probably pretty sweet looking. Heck I remember loving these Herbie flicks as a kid and loved the effects. So I'm sure kids these days won't mind (Marvel movie CGI aside). But yeah the effects have dated badly in places, as is to be expected. Of course there is a tonne of bluescreen and rear projection which is obvious. Although repeat rear projection shots inside Herbie with characters driving are all part and parcel of the movie and the charm. On the other hand there are some nice little moments like the model work inside a warehouse. There are also those glorious technicolour-looking matte paintings that many old live-action Disney movies had (probably the same artist). These shots always look good and kinda cozy at the same time. The shots (both exterior and interior) of the old firehouse are lovely.

Alas it has to be said that Herbie feels more like a side character in his own movie this time. Yes of course there's plenty of Herbie action but he's still relegated to the background somewhat as Keenan Wynn stole the show as Alonzo Hawk. This guy is like a live-action version of Yosemite Sam and just as enjoyable. At the same time the love story between Willoughby and Nicole, plus the subplot of Mrs Steinmetz meeting a random old drunk guy who resembles her dead husband, kinda puts Herbie in the background really. 

Have no fear as the grand finale is a full frontal attack of Herbie's with Volkswagens aplenty showing up to fight back against Hawk's demolition team. Definitely a cute sequence for sure seeing all these multicoloured Beetles, including a junkyard Beetle that feels more like an undead Herbie, night of the living Herbie. The whole thing is of course all rather stupid because the Beetles don't actually do anything. Hawk fears the Beetles (a phobia almost) and runs off but he didn't need to get off his bulldozer because he was 100% safe. At the same time all Hawk's men drive off when they see the Beetles, why? They're all in huge construction vehicles, what are a few VW Beetles gonna do?

In the end Hawk gets arrested because he's a nasty grumpy villain, oh and the police think he's a wack job. Nicole and Willoughby get married and Mrs Steinmetz and the old drunk guy presumably live happily ever after in the old firehouse with the sentient tram and jukebox. Although, what happens when Hawk gets back from the cop shop? Has he reformed? Will he continue his quest for the land the old firehouse sits on? We shall never know. That being said this movie came along after Walt Disney's death in 1966 but despite that you can still feel his creative input from the original and those snug agreeable classic Disney vibes. This will easily please kids (presumably) and it still pleased me after all these years. Clearly not as good as the original (that had a more exciting plot and cast) but it's still a solid and worthy sequel, just about.

6.5/10