The Last Kumite (2024)

 

Jean-Claude Van Damme returns in this epic martial ar...oh no wait, it's just a very lame rip-off.

Yeah, it is what it is and here we have just another crappy low budget attempt at making a cult classic entirely based on the original classic 'Bloodsport'. The movie is officially labelled as a homage to classic martial arts flicks of yore but I think we all know better. I should point out this was a Kickstarter project, meaning it was crowdfunded by a fanbase essentially, hence some of the issues such as the overall cheapness and filming location. 

I will also point out that I came across this via a chance YouTube video watch of YouTuber Oliver Harper (someone I used to watch a bit more often before he split with fellow YouTubers Richard Jackson and Duncan Casey). I believe Harper edited this movie, did that make a difference here? I don't wanna say no...but no it didn't. Not too sure why you would use a small-ish YouTuber to edit your movie but there we go. I get funds were limited but still...

So our future hero Michael (some no-name actor called Mathis Landwehr) wins a martial arts competition and manages to gain the attention of a shady guy named Ron Hall, yes Ron Hall (Matthias Hues of 'Dark Angel'). Hall offers Michael a chance to compete in an underground kumite in Eastern Europe for 1 million Dollars if he wins. Michael declines, so Hall kidnaps his daughter to blackmail him into fighting, Michael accepts. Once in Europe Michael meets all the other fighters and discovers they too have been blackmailed. Michael befriends a few other fighters and they plan to find their relatives and escape, FIGHT!

So the plot is weak as hell, almost embarrassing. Only half the fighters seem to have been blackmailed, so the others are there by choice? Is blackmail really necessary to get fighters? Surely there would be loads willing to fight for 1 million in prize money illegal or not. But wait there's much more! Firstly, the casting here is terrible. They have managed to nab a couple retro all-stars with Cynthia Rothrock and Billy Blanks, both of whom look understandably very old and out of place. They also managed to get JCVD's old movie buddies Abdel Qissi and his brother Michel Qissi who also now look a bit old...but still solid. Everyone else are unknown actors, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is when none of them can act or even fight that well. Bolo Yeung's son is here as a random fighter because 'Bloodsport'!

The fighters are a cringeworthy bunch it has to be said by Jove! I mean I get that it's hard to come up with original looking characters for something like this as everything will probably get compared to older classic movies or certain classic videogames. Low and behold we get a roster of fighters that come across like certain videogame characters. There's the wise old oriental looking guy complete with mystic-looking facial hair (Gen). A fat bald guy (Sagat). A Mexican wrestler who never takes off his mask (no lie). A redneck looking American trucker type. A Black guy who looks and fights like Eddie Gordo from Tekken. One guy looks like Paco the kickboxer from good old 'Bloodsport'. Some alt-punk guy with piercings and a kilt. One of the main characters looks like a middle-aged dad next-door type, and of course the token female fighter who realistically wouldn't stand a chance, but representation and equality!

Alas the hits keep on coming with this dogpile. Not only is the plot weak and the characters laughable, the acting and action is also extremely poor. The entire thing comes across like a homemade movie that they shot in a community hall with the odd location shoot anywhere that looked somewhat grand or spiritual (in this case some old castle ruins I think? They add soothing Oriental style music to make it seem more exotic). The fact this was shot in Bulgaria says it all really. Eastern Europe is generally where you make bad movies with no money, and what's worse is you can tell. Eastern Europe has this specific look and feel that you just can't erase no matter how good your cameraman is. Had this been shot somewhere like Thailand it could have made all the difference, but what we are left with is incredibly dull and uninspiring visually. 

The meat and potatoes is of course the fighting...and the movie fails here too. The core problem being it all looks very fake and, criminally, you can actually see the kicks and swings not connecting. Of course there are the odd moments of badassery that work but on the whole it's few and far between. The reliance on spitting mouthfuls of fake blood with every connection is also rather ridiculous after the first few times, ditto the pointless gymnastics. The choice of actor for Michael (the hero) was an odd one to say the least. He has thinning hair with an actual combover, plus a very gaunt, long narrow face. He looks more like a villain than a hero and he can't act. I guess it was because physically he looks quite good, but surely there are loads of options these days?

As mentioned the other fighters (which we hardly ever see) are a mix of generic and cheesefest which didn't help and the main bad guy (the final boss character I guess) is a whole other level of cringe. It all looks like bad cosplay. I mean, the final fight between Billy Blanks and Hues (both over the hill) was literally shot on the driveway entrance of some Bulgarian stately home (laugh out loud!). You can see all the little signs dotted around for the public. It also kinda looked like the crew and their family and friends made up the cheering crowds watching the interior set fights because clearly none of them had a clue what to do. I reckon they used their own clothes too.

There is SO much wrong with this movie that it's impossible to include everything. Yes I know this was crowdfunded and wasn't supposed to be some kind of major blockbuster but Jesus Christ I was still disappointed with this outcome. I actually expected a solid fight fest on par with JCVD's earlier movies but this doesn't even come close. This is literally that bad low-budget affair you would see on the top shelf of the videoshop back in the day, but not in a good cult classic way (don't let the corking movie poster and new Stan Bush song fool you). I hope the folks behind this didn't think they could deliberately make some kind of low-rent flick with the hopes of it becoming a money-spinning cult classic later on down the line because that ain't gonna happen here. Either that or what we see before us today was a genuine attempt at a proper martial arts movie, not sure which is worse. However you look at it, this is utter garbage.

1/10

DC League of Super-Pets (2022)

 

So in this era of comicbook movies and the inevitable emergence of comicbook fatigue, what better way to try and suck some originality out of the genre than this, superhero pets.

Yeah so in the absence of any financial success for pretty much any of their movies, DC turns to animation and pets to try and eek out some money from any fanbase or audience going. In this kiddie flick we get some brief backstory for DC's greatest superhero Superman but this time with the added bonus of his pet dog Krypto. 

Old Sups lives as he does on Earth in a relationship with Lois Lane, his jealous preening narcissistic dog, whilst fighting crime with the Justice League. Unfortunately, the Justice League is defeated and captured by Lex Luthor using orange kryptonite, leaving Krypto alone. In a massive case of sod's law one of Luthor's guinea pig test subjects manages to gain superpowers with said orange kryptonite and decides to take over the Earth. Without the Justice League Krypto must save the Earth with the help of a random bunch of local pets.

So essentially what you have here is a standard generic superhero vs. supervillain plot, in animation form, but instead of Human heroes we have animals. The supervillain in question is a tiny pink bald (due to the orange kryptonite) female guinea pig (had to be female) called Lulu which just so happens to be rather annoying. No real idea why this guinea pig is so evil and the fact it's small yet a massive threat comes across as a tired trope. It doesn't help that this character is voiced by the unfunny (in my opinion) Kate McKinnon). The hero team is your typical quirky gang of misfits that really don't look like they would be of any help at all frankly. A dog, squirrel, kitten, fat pig, and tortoise. Yeah it's a kid's animated flick but really? I also found the fat pig a really annoying character. Just annoying visually, mannerisms, speech, and the fact its essentially a useless character.

Naturally these animals eventually all get superpowers themselves which enable them to fight back against Lulu. Naturally each animal's unique superpower is a trait associated with that animal. The fat pig can grow to an even bigger size. The tortoise gains super speed. The Boxer dog gains strength etc...In turn Lulu manages to gain some more guinea pig minions with superpowers to help her. All the superpowers are what you would expect. This all results in the same generic types of superhero battles we've seen a gazillion times before in both animation and live-action. Lots of throwing characters into things and the obligatory comicbook laser bolts/beams and what have you. Obviously no one is gonna die so expect any stakes here.

We do see the Justice League quite a bit in this movie which did amusingly lead me to think that this was almost like a fallback Justice League flick for the DC. Like, they failed with their live-action movies so let's try and kinda do it again in this animated kid's flick but not outrightly admit it. Plus DC gotta be seen to be keeping up with Marvel. DC went all out with this version oh yes, it was almost like they were trying to appease the fanbase. Obviously the look and feel of the characters are way more comedic and silly but visually at least it all looked comicbook accurate to me. Heck they even threw Black Adam in there too! Plus look at that voice cast! Keanu Reeves, Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, John Krasinski, Alfred Molina, Keith David, Diego Luna etc...You probably could make a live-action comicbook movie with that line up. It also amused me how they still lean on the joke that Batman is kinda useless in this superhero team because he's just a regular guy in a suit.

At the end of the day I'm not a overly massive comicbook fan and never was. I'm not in the know on everything DC and Marvel so I cannot go in deep detail over little easter eggs or what may or may not be comicbook accurate. I can say that I did always find it utterly hilarious, ridiculous, and kinda desperate that DC superheroes have pets, superpets no less. Always felt to me as if the creators ran out of ideas and just gave Sups a pet dog. I'm also not too sure what the language barriers are in this universe, can all Humans understand animals? Or just superheroes? Is it all animals or just specific species? 

Anyway I'm rambling on about a children's animated movie (secretly aimed at adult comicbook fans). Is this any good? Well I didn't really engage with it truth be told, I was bored. Yeah the CGI is nice but most of the animals were annoying and looked ugly. The plot is generic as hell and the comedy is tired. I mean, this is literally a paint-by-numbers cookie-cutter superhero flick but instead of Humans it's animals, that's it! It does the job but geez! Superhero fatigue is real.

5/10