Thursday, 16 October 2014

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

So its come to this, despite the fact the last three movies were generally seen as complete and utter tripe, people for some reason still went and paid to see them. This in turn gave Bay and the powers that be good enough reason to churn out yet another slice of poo promising it wouldn't actually be a slice of poo. Yes if ever there was a franchise that is solely based around the mighty Dollar then this is it, and by that I mean the movie has been made with no soul love care or real attention to anything other than to look BIG and suck the money from your pocket.

What really makes no sense to me is the fact that people still paid to go and see it! Fool us all once Mr Bay...shame on you, fool us all twice...shame on us, fool us all three times...we're all a bunch of idiots, fool us all four times...I give up! Its utterly amazing to me that Bay and co actually said this film would be different, it wouldn't be anything like the previous movies, new cast, new approach etc...yet they basically lied, its exactly like the previous movies.

The plot sees the Autobots on the run from humans because we no longer want anything to do with them...understandable I guess. At the same time the dastardly CIA is helping a lone bounty hunter Transformer (Decepticon) track down the remaining Autobots to try and locate Prime so he can be taken back to his employers...sounds a bit 'Boba Fett-ish' does it not. This yet again sees a bunch of humans helping the Autobots as they also attempt to stop a company creating their own Transformer army using Transformium found with ancient dinosaur skeletons. The company uses Megatron's head for data resulting in Megatron being reincarnated as Galvatron (a newly created Transformer by the company) and leading these new Transformers against everybody. Oh and there's this bomb gadget that cyberforms land into metal (Transformium) which Galvatron/Megatron wants to use on Earth, it came from the bounty hunter as a reward to the CIA for tracking down Prime, the CIA in turn gives it to the rich company for their Transformer army project.

I guess we're all used to the fact now that our beloved Transformers franchise has been butchered by Bay and isn't coming back. So its of no surprise that he further destroys the original source material with this hectic plot. Galvatron is built by humans, the dinosaurs were wiped out by this alien race, humans building Transformer armies, the Dinobots just being there no explanations given etc...Nothing really makes any sense in this movie (unsurprisingly), Prime starts out as a rusting pile of junk with various injuries, yet he merely scans this new truck and turns into a gleaming brand new truck with a new paint job and no apparent injuries, so was he ever actually damaged or what? Plus why has his design changed? can these Transformers alter their actual design?! wouldn't that alter the way they transform? Mind you I say that but we can't actually see what the hell is happening when they do transform, its just a mass of tiny shiny parts moving.

I also realised in this new film that the Transformers have no size issues, by that I mean Prime transforms from an average size truck into a massive in the original source material if the Transformer was small he transformed into a small vehicle or object, all the Transformers appear to be the same size in the movies yet transform into various small slim vehicles. It also bugs the shit outta me that virtually every vehicle is a flippin' super car! that's not the idea Bay, they transform into various mobiles for cover, you don't get much cover transforming into a fecking blue Bugatti Veyron sheesh!

Carrying on from that complaint is the new Autobot designs...head in So now there is a fat bearded Autobot who smokes a cigar (?!) and looks like an old prospector miner. Crosshairs is now a very easy to conceal flashy metallic green Corvette and somehow has his own trench coat?? Next to that is the samurai Autobot Drift, now I know originally this character was kinda Japanese with katana-esque blades and he transformed into Jap super saloon hybrid type thing...but did he really need to be an actual samurai, why would he even speak in a Japanese human accent being an alien. Its the same issue with the Dinobots, why would they transform into Earth creatures? did they visit Earth back then and that's why? why don't they speak? why do they actually behave like real creatures? There is nothing given to us about these epic characters, they just appear and look NOTHING like they used to...which was awesome. A two headed, two tailed dragon thing for Swoop? fuck off!

All the usual repeated problems aside its business as usual with everything else. Its a Bay flick so expect blondes in tight hot pants, sunsets everywhere, low camera angles, slow motion low camera angles, plosions filled with fireworks, ridiculous stunts and product placement in almost every scene. The Chevrolet Sonic RS made me laugh...just looks like a Honda Type R wannabe, don't forget the usual boring display of American 'muscle cars' such as the brick-like Camaro and various other American motors.

There really doesn't seem to be any sensible thought in this entire production, lets just make it as loud long and flashy as we can, never mind what everybody has moaned about previously, same again. The destruction porn gigantically colossal! its a gargantuan spectacle of monumental CGI effects that just bores the shit outta you within five minutes. Not even Godzilla can compare to this crap, there's like...ships and tankers dropping out of the sky onto downtown Hong Kong, how many innocents died in this? So yes the CGI is impressive in places but its also bad in others, bizarrely bad in fact, terrible greenscreen shots, hokey molecularly CGI transformations etc...its like the effects got worse!

There is just too much to whine about here, I can't carry on because this review will end up titanic in proportions. The plot is a hodge podge of various other movies, again you can barely follow what's going on and everything is visually garish and completely stupid. Bay has simply done exactly what he did before, ignored the criticisms and gone his own way making more drivel, how he managed to get Wahlberg on board is unbelievable, obviously lots money but surely Wahlberg knows about these movies (Bay lied to them too maybe). Tucci is there to try an make things better with dumb comedy, Peltz merely does everything Fox would have done and apparently Grammer is now being trained in the Liam Neeson school of becoming an old man badass?

I can't believe we've come to a point where a six year old franchise is soooo bad that it now needs to be rebooted from scratch. That's how bad Bay has taken this, no I'm not joking, I wish I was...its pathetic. The only one plus point about this entire fiasco is the fact this movie will make your new LED TV look good...other than that lets just ignore Bay and hopefully he will go away.