The Family (2013)

This is a Luc Besson film so you know right from the off there's gonna be a slick gun fight somewhere in here. Question is does this story require such a style from the action director? This is a slow paced story about mobsters, an adaptation of a novel called Badfellas which kinda spells it out for you really doesn't it.

The plot is easy, De Niro and his family are in the witness protection program to try and start a new life whilst evading the mafioso who are trying to kill them. The reason? because De Niro (an ex-crime boss) insulted a rival mafia boss and then snitched on him after a failed hit attempt.

What follows is a black comedy about this violent crime addicted family that are trying to blend into a small French town out in the countryside. De Niro is the ex-mafia boss who gets angry very easily and likes to inflict pain on people who deserve it. Pfeiffer is his wife and she too is a slightly unhinged woman who won't hesitate to resort to violence when upset. Then there are their two kids, one teenage girl who like her mother will beat the shit outta anyone who upsets her. And one teenage boy who is quite clever, influential, sly, manipulative and with skills in fraud...but he can still be violent if needs be.

In short this family is kinda like the mafia version of The Addams Family. On the surface they all appear normal but underneath they are all violent, trigger happy, aggressive, untrustworthy lifestyle mobsters that will snap and go berserk very easily. The only difference is they try to keep that darker side under control and under wraps.

I guess this film is amusing in places but its awkward at the same time. There are moments which are sorta funny but then there are moments that are pretty nasty and you don't know what to think. Yes its not suppose to be a serious mafia flick but the violence is pretty serious and doesn't stray to far from old De Niro films like 'Goodfellas' or 'Casino'. Seeing the sexy young blonde daughter beat a nerdy French kid half to death, or other girls, is kinda hot but also kinda disturbing. At the same time De Niro gets up to his old movie tricks by beating guys to a pulp with a baseball bat or dragging them along the tarmac behind his car, tied at the ankles by rope that is. The violence is quite graphic at times.

So really its every old mafia movie cliche rolled out once again. The fact they cast De Niro in the lead role really makes it even worse because he's done this stuff so many times it not really very entertaining anymore. Add to that your stereotypical looking cast of scrawny old mafia bosses accompanied by big fat henchmen and short squat balding hitmen. Exactly the type of characters you'd expect to see in a film like this, its been done!

The big main angle of this black comedy is seeing this hardened New York mafia family trying to fit in with the soft cultured cheese eating French locals, that's it, there is nothing more. Problem is we can't care about any of them because they come across as merciless psychos. The finale is the predicted flashy Besson shootout which does excite somewhat but it too is over pretty fast. Where are all the residents of this town when all the gunfire and explosions kick off?? you'd think someone would get more police. Its also pretty stupid that the bad guys kill all the local police/emergency services and a few residents, that won't gain much attention will it geez!

There is just nothing to keep you interested here because its been done about a squillion times before, it couldn't be anymore repetitive and unoriginal. I think the only cliche they left out was casting Joe Pesci.

4/10

Red 2 (2013)

The OAP secret agent club is back and the makeup levels have increased tenfold. The over the hill Expendables strike again and this time there are new members to the team...sort of.

Mission status: your bog standard, obligatory, run of the mill, over the top James Bond type secret agent tomfoolery with 'Mission: Impossible' styled stunts and vehicle chase sequences. Throw in light-hearted comedy to soften the violence and utilise lots of age jokes.

I think the problem here is firstly this genre is so so so so so so utterly and completely flooded with so many films that are all the same with the same action sequences, its just dull. There is absolutely nothing exciting about watching these aged actors pretending to be action heroes, under layers and layers of makeup attempting to make them look young and fit whilst the whole time its simply watching stunt doubles. I mean really, what's the point? half the film isn't the actual cast!.

Willis clearly doesn't care anymore, the guy is done, past it and doesn't care about acting, he should retire. Louise-Parker is the most annoying female I've come across since Sandra Bullock, she merely smirks, grins and acts coy the entire time, that's all she and Willis do! perform awkwardly as a couple together, its dreadful. Watching Mirren is literately like watching my gran (God rest her soul) in an action flick! its embarrassing. The only person to have more makeup on than Mirren was Zeta-Jones who looked like a frankfurter, how much makeup Jones?? it doesn't make you any sexier or a better actress, give it up.

Only good old Malkovich still manages to shine with his bumbling trigger happy persona and Hopkins isn't too bad as the under assuming scientist type with a secret. But wait! the powers that be have really gone to town this time and have tried to hire every aged/aging British thesp they can get their hands on. Enter Thewlis as some other secret agent bloke who is a dab hand with a gun...unsurprisingly. Cox is also back again as Mirren's Russian love interest but does nothing accept sniff her boots.

After all that we have Lee Byung-Hun who really sticks out like a sore thumb. A primed firm fit buff martial artist who can take down hordes of men single handed yet can't defeat old man Willis. Surely this dude could and should kill the whole team without breaking sweat, its like he should be in a totally different movie.

Nothing of much interest happens for the whole film in all honesty, a few fights, a few shootouts, a dash of lame comedy, Willis and Parker displaying some of the worst acting you've ever seen etc...Its only at the end do we see some fast n furious action...errr in the form of a 'Fast n Furious' styled car chase sequence...in a Lotus that came outta nowhere. The action is hyper yet dumb, so very dumb. I love the standard modern action movie cliches of bad guys spraying these fancy cars with machine gun fire yet no damage is visible, plus no one ever thinks to shoot out the tyres. The less said about the hideous helicopter crash that Willis and co walk away from the better, oh so they are invincible super agents after all.

A complete and utter rehash of the first film which somehow manages to be less exciting, not as funny and with tired performance from Willis. First film was quite quirky and fun seeing these old boys kick ass, now its just deflated and repetitive. There just doesn't seem to be any point to this films existence other than simply to try and make more money, just crank out another, no thought, no worries, roll out more of the same, no one will notice or care...its got Bruce Willis in it.

3/10

Red (2010)

You know this idea had to come along at some point. Take the basic action premise of various spy flicks like Bond 'Mission: Impossible' and 'True Lies', then make the main characters retired old agents, super spy pensioners.

The plot is pretty much like any other flick in this genre, corruption that leads all the way up to the top, assassinations, intrigue and cover ups. Its Bruce Willis and his ex-team members who have been targeted by the CIA for termination due to previous unearthed information. So its up to them to get to the bottom of the it and uncover...errr the cover up.

The film is yet another comic book adaptation of another comic I've never heard of so I can't compare. A lavish cast from top to bottom because its a big Hollywood production, thusly the visuals and action are also lavish as hell. Now whether or not this is a good thing I'm not sure, I don't know how accurate this is to the comic book firstly and secondly I think it can take away from the whole experience because its too 'Hollywood-ish.'

There's nothing wrong with a glossy action thriller but they do tend to look the same. You don't really feel invested in the story because its all so neat, clean and shiny, there's no grit, no real sense of danger, all the cast are dolled up in layers of obvious makeup (Mirren) and you know no one of any real importance is gonna die and if they do chances are they will come back in the sequel.

That being said I can't deny this film is a reasonably fun ride with semi decent action sequences that all do look quite comic book-esque. The sharp visuals do give it a certain bold colourful style that comes across as quirky but with some dark undertones. I do like how the film is violent to a degree, its not a blood bath but you do see bullet hits, injuries and plenty of death...yet it seems to get tamer towards the end methinks. My best description would be akin to 'Kick-Ass' but not as violent and without the profanity. It is quite fun to see older action heroes taking out elite hit squads, the sight of Helen Mirren using a massive tripod mounted anti tank machine gun in a ball gown was quite funny.

It is all very predictable to be honest, this ain't no Bourne plot folks, did you really think Willis would lose his damsel in distress?. Some good action sequences, amusing dialog mainly coming from Malkovich who was the best character by far and a really good fight between Urban and Willis amazingly. The very end sequence unfortunately is too daft and comes across more like a Monty Python moment rather than a top action flick. For people like myself who don't know anything about the comic book the hook is old folk as super spies which is admittedly fun, apart from that its basically business as usual with nothing too ground breaking going on.

6/10

Treasure Planet (2002)

Avast ye scurvy space lubbers! I just recently watched this on Bluray (1080p), holy coconuts it looks good! And bare in mind this film is twelve years old now. I recall when this was released and boy was it destroyed by the critics, really panned, but I can't understand why, this is only the second time I've seen this since the cinema and I loved it.

The idea of sticking this classic 18th Century set adventure into the sci-fi realm is actually a sweet one, I'm surprised it has not happened before. The whole concept really does fit the space adventurer aspect nicely but of course there are some bits n pieces that don't add up. Like why on earth would all spacecraft in the far distant unknown future be built around centuries old galleon designs by humankind? And are those ships actually made of wood??!! Why would these ships require sails? And how come no one (mainly humans) dies from exposure to deep space? There isn't anything to protect anyone accept a gravity force field. Kinda odd seeing a young Hawkins high up on the ships rope ladders with the space winds blowing through his hair.

Are all buildings in this future made of wood?! Can there be that much wood left? Why are various alien species wearing centuries old human attire? All aliens speak the human language of English? Are they actually using rope on these ships?!! ROPE! And there doesn't appear to be many humans left now I think of it...just Hawkins and his mum or so it seems. I could go on but at some point you gotta let it go, its Treasure Island in space with aliens and robots, its just suppose to be visual fun and it is by gum!

Silly absurd nonsensical plot issues aside the whole aged steampunk/historic aesthetic look is really pleasing to the eye. Some of the space sequences really do look gorgeous, a cosmic ballet indeed. Of course the film is dated which means dated CGI is evident throughout, some obvious and some not so. Its nothing too horrendous and is tolerable. Some of the best looking CGI is easily the crescent moon shaped spaceport which borders suspiciously on Mos Eisley. Where as some of the worst CGI would be the huge whale-like space creatures and the rather over the top finale on treasure planet.

The characters are a fair bunch and fairly enjoyable to watch. Old Long John has been crafted into a half alien half Terminator style cyborg which is curious. Sounds stupid but it actually plays out OK and looks pretty good. Jim is your standard rebellious scruff of a boy who also strangely looks familiar to John Connor from 'T2', I think there is some definite influence there. The rest of the crew are satisfactory but nothing amazing, obligatory insectoid type guy, 'Star Wars' Cantina type alien, floating blob, Cat-like female, one eyed alien etc...bog standard alien designs really, possible homages I guess.

I must confess to not liking Martin Short's characterisation of robot B.E.N. with his insanely loud grating voice. The way this character is portrayed as a robot gone mad is just annoying and kinda old. The kind of role you'd give to Robin Williams and his annoying crazy loudness. The only voice I did like was Murray's Irish take on Long John which does give that nice olde worlde touch, you get a good sense of the character with this, a good sense of history.

There are tonnes of problems with this film that just don't add up at all, the idea of a space set pirate film works but also doesn't. I do think they just abandoned a lot of sense simply because its an animated Disney movie for kids and it simply wouldn't matter. True it doesn't matter, it is just an enjoyable fantasy romp for kids, but at the same time it would have been nice to address some of the silliness. After all everyone of all ages will watch it and while it does look awesome with some lovely creativity and imagination, the silliness sticks out like a giraffe at a polar bears only club.

6.5/10

Space Jam (1996)

Not too sure why this film is called Space Jam but I guess it sounds kinda cool doesn't it. Despite the fact the film stars all the Warner Bros Looney Tunes characters the whole thing is really all about Michael Jordan. A fictional account of a small segment in his career if you will.

So if you haven't already guessed the film is also all about basketball, this makes me wonder if the film was as much of a hit here in the UK as it inevitably was in the US. Obviously the Looney Tunes characters had a lot to do with the appeal for many as the film serves as more of an animated adventure rather than a true basketball feature. That being said it does give plenty for both sides of this spectrum.

Should I really have a go at the plot? this is after all a cartoon of sorts. Basically MJ must do battle on the court against some aliens who want him to be their slave within their intergalactic theme park. Thing is these crafty aliens have pinched the talents of fellow NBA All-Stars Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradly, Pat Ewing and Charles Barkley (what about John Stockton or Scottie Pippen?). So end of the day its Michael Jordan vs a selection of other NBA players, guess who wins? I wonder what the films trying to say?

As far as an animated flick goes this is a fun time, its bright bold and colourful, there's plenty of toon action, the usual visual gags, in-jokes, sly homages etc...and of course the WB roster is always good see. The problems I have is the fact the animation is nowhere near as good as the classic original toons of Chuck Jones and co naturally...and they never will be ever again. The voice talent is nowhere near as good as Mel Blanc and co...and they never will be again. Plus of course they mix in CGI with hand drawn animation which kinda works in places but looks awful in others.

I think the worst voice work going in this film must be the attempt at Pepe Le Pew. Wasn't a fan of the stereotypical female version of Bugs either, wasn't required, was just added for the young female audience and felt totally out of place. On the other hand the baddie alien characters weren't too bad if a little bland, they became more interesting in massive monster mode of course. I think if I were Bradly I might have been upset my animated alter ego was made out to be a slow towering numbskull. Using Danny Devito as the chief alien bad guy was a smart move, again his character wasn't overly intriguing and kinda standard in design but it worked.

The actual basketball game is good fun even though you'd think it wouldn't be. Its certainly looney, has some slick moments, a nice 'Pulp Fiction' homage, the gag about Michael's special drink is cute, its fun watching the lofty NBA Stars trying to act and Bill Murray adds some much needed fizz for adults. You know what happens in the end, its no surprise, luckily it is a good ride getting there. Definitely an unexpected hit straight outta left field.

6.5/10

The Haunted Mansion (2003)

Ah 2003, the start of Disney's major theme park ride adaptations into the movies...not counting a few earlier nondescript flicks and 'Mission to Mars' which I never realised was a theme park adaptation. If you think about this premise you could be forgiven for thinking it would turn out crap, especially with Eddie Murphy involved. And you wouldn't be far wrong on that one point, the casting of Murphy and his 'family' members in this film was a terrible choice.

The reason being they all stick out like a sore thumb in the story, they all look totally out of place and none can act too well. The film has been turned into a Murphy vehicle and the film suffers for it, it feels forced, his family in the film feel forced and fake, the silly humour and annoying dialog from Murphy feels forced and its all in there simply for Murphy, awful decision.

That aside the rest of the film is actually pretty sweet. The plot has been cleverly turned into a romantic ghost tale where upon the mansions owner is seeking his one true love whom he lost centuries ago. Of course his true love is Murphy's living wife so a battle of supernatural proportions ensues as Murphy must stop this aristocratic spook floating off with his wife.

What works is the extra casting of the main ghost servants and their master within the mansion. Stamp is perfect as the stiff upper lipped butler with a dark secret, Wallace Shawn is perfect as the quirky sidekick footman ghost, Tilly is surprisingly good as the crystal ball gypsy spirit and Nathaniel Parker plays the noble British toff manor owner to a tee complete with thick dark locks. Not too sure how these ghosts work though, at times they can't or don't seem to interact with the living, then all of a sudden they can touch and pick things up.

Its all very cliched and hammy of course being based on a stereotypical haunted house attraction but that's fine, you expect that. In fact they capture that atmosphere perfectly, the whole eccentric Disney ambiance coupled with an eerie fanciful glow. Indeed the film does work better if you have actually been on the attraction at Disney World. There are many many little homages to the ride throughout the film from visual references to dialog, some sequences showing identical sections from the attraction. It does sounds kinda tacky but it really works nicely and gives you a pleasant ghostly trip down memory lane.

I really liked how the ghosts become 'more dead' visually the further from the mansion they are. So once outside all the ghosts have a really cool supernatural blue glow or aura which looks quite striking. I liked the graveyard and how it housed many of the ghosts from the attraction including the three famous hitchhiker spooks. As said I also liked the replication of sets from the attraction too, the hallway of portraits being the main one easily. One thing I didn't like was the swamp set New Orleans look for the mansion, not my personal cup of tea, I prefer the Liberty Square Dutch Gothic design from Disney World's Magic Kingdom.

But how did that ghostly horse drawn hearse crash through the walls of the mansion complete with Murphy and co inside?. How would ghosts be able to knock through walls when they are...errr ghosts. And how on earth would living people be able to go through the wall with the ghosts??.

On the whole the film does look really good and clearly a lot of thought and craftsmanship went into making the visuals realistic. Its really nice (and amazingly surprising) that they actually constructed the mansion instead of relying on CGI. The interiors and props all benefit from genuine craftsmanship too which really sets the mood, for all you 'Nightmare Before Christmas'/Addams Family/Munster lovers out there (like me) you'll love it.

This is a film you really really really really did expect to be utter utter utter tripe...but its not!. Its actually a really decent looking light-hearted supernatural ride just like the real attraction. The homages are great for folk who have been to the attraction but for those who haven't they just come across as neat spooky visual candy. As I said the only let down is Murphy and co as the endangered mortal family, well mainly Murphy. His tomfoolery lets down the quite decent performances of the supernatural cast.

6.5/10

Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)

Six years after the original smash hit and Dante comes along with this newish sequel. The intro to the film is an animated Looney Tunes segment with Bugs and Daffy which is meant to hint at the wackiness you were about to see, not good.

The plot this time is virtually the same deal as before but this time its set in New York and within a huge futuristic skyscraper, well for the time anyway. Of course the other reason for this sequel was mainly to do everything over again with much better effects and creature puppetry. Now I'm all for this no doubt but at least they could of gone for a fresher storyline.

There are many problems with this sequel which is a shame as the effects are indeed much better (although the original films were damn good). It starts off OK with good continuity seeing old Mr Wing again in his little shop with Gizmo. Unsure if the first film setting of this Chinatown location was in New York though, I always kinda thought it was San Francisco for some reason. Anyway it makes sense that the old man dies and Gizmo is left alone in the world, not too sure about the fact they bulldoze the little store before clearing it though.

Eventually the film sticks to its new location for the action within this skyscraper. I still find it funny that this huge building would have its own animal testing floor filled with various animals of all shapes and sizes. Also the fact it appears to have lots of shops and eating establishments along with filming studios and its own TV cable network! all this with office areas higher up where lots of desk jockeys work feverishly to look good for the big boss Clamp. Obviously its all just setups for the Gremlin action to come but it really seems quite odd that this building has everything in it as if it were a mall when its suppose to be a place of business and work.

I guess the main issues begin when the Gremlin mayhem kicks off. It all starts out fine and relatively sensible if lighter in tone, but it just gets ludicrous. The first thing that hits you straight in the face is the horrendous slapstick schlock that Dante gets the creatures to do, the first film had it but it was set within a dark tone, this film is virtually a cartoon (as laid out for you by Bugs n Daffy at the start). I really enjoyed the different ideas they used with the Gremlins...a bat hybrid, a spider, an electric poltergeist-like Gremlin, an intelligent Gremlin, a Gremlin made up of vegetables and naturally the obligatory female Gremlin. But the whole thing came off like 'The Muppet Show', albeit Muppets with a more sadistic crazy edge.

The female Gremlin was clearly a play or rip off from Miss Piggy if you ask me, right down to the awful little musical number where she/it appears in a very Muppet-esque/Piggy way from beneath a huge self portrait picture.

The other thing that irked me was the hideous self parodies/meta-references of the franchise and others. A cringeworthy self indulgent sequence where a movie critic is giving the original film a bad review and is then attacked by Gremlins, the bat hybrid Gremlin flies out of the building crashing through a wall leaving the famous Batman logo as a hole, some Gremlins where anti-Gizmo t-shirts and there is a Gremlin logo on the cable network when it goes down. And finally there's the sequence midway where the film actually stops as if Gremlins had invaded the cinema where you the audience were watching. We then get an embarrassing cameo with Hulk Hogan breaking the fourth wall, did it really have to go that far Dante?

The inclusion of Dick Miller's character and his wife felt very forced too, not only that but I'm pretty sure they were killed off in the first film. There was no reason for them to be in this film other than some visual recognition from the first, a simple link. The whole notion that those two characters were suppose to stay with Peltzer and Kate in their small apartment is so stupid, and why would they be visiting them anyway?? These people weren't that close in the first film, just neighbourhood folk.

Plus I noticed Dante literately cast everyone he has ever worked with in this film, even Rick Ducommun and Henry Gibson get some screen time here. Amazing cast of character actors and cameos in this film.

Gotta ask but why is it everytime Gizmo get wets and produces new Mogwai they always turn out evil? How come none ever turn out nice like Giz? you'd think they would genetically be like Gizmo. I didn't really like the new goofy Gremlins, it just felt like The Three Stooges and was just dumb, the various cartoon sound effects didn't help either. I know the film was suppose to be lighter but Jesus those new Gremlins were annoying, the two evil none insane Gremlins were nice and errr...evil, but again they didn't really look too different, the effects guys didn't wanna move away from the mohawk look did they sheesh!

All the Gremlins look fantastic in this new film I must say, the detail and animatronic puppet work is astoundingly good from the realistic skin colour and patterns to every small snarling facial movement. There are also some nice effects using stop motion and bluescreen which are obvious but do still hold up quite well, it all shows how well these effects can work. It might be most costly sure but I think everyone would agree its worth it in the end, the final result looks awesome especially with the vast numbers of Gremlins on display this time. Beats the f*ck outta CGI I can tell you.

I want to like this film but its hard. The idea is reasonable giving us a wider range of Gremlins with new designs and more havoc, which is what you wanted really, but they dumbed it down too much. A lighter version is not a problem but the self referential jokes and small nonsensical plotless sequences felt more like a collection of sketches from a TV show (the 'Phantom of the Opera' Gremlin sequence). It makes the whole film feel like a spoof when its not really meant to be, not to that degree anyway, and the fact that the female Gremlin survives simply makes a mockery of films finale, who cares.

I love the creature effects and there are still some really nice moments of Gremlin gore and horror which hint at what could of been. Unfortunately it just gets lost in a sea of zany childish wackiness that doesn't really appeal to adults, fans of the original or kids because its still a bit too scary for them, so really it has no decent target audience.

5.5/10