Jack the Giant Slayer (2013)

'Fe-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman'

Yet another famous children's fairytale gets the bigscreen treatment but can you make a entire film out of a rather short and rather simple fable? The other question is which fable is this film supposedly based upon? Jack and the Beanstalk? or Jack the Giant Killer? Both are very different yet this film merges the two or so it seems. At the same time the films animated intro felt very much like a rip of the 'Hellboy 2' intro, whilst the entire plot about this magical crown felt like a rip of 'Lord of the Rings'.

This whole idea felt very much like a one trick pony to me, that trick simply being the excuse to show huge CGI giants eating people and going on a rampage, and that's it. The rest of the film felt so utterly pointless it was almost laughable. Half the film seems to be based on the beanstalk fairytale with the second half based around the giant killer fable but at the same time neither are remotely accurate to the original sources. So why not just make a completely independent giant fantasy?

Everything about this just felt like a misfire to me. The casting was poor, Nicholas Hoult is just a very average actor with a very odd haircut (what is going on with that parting?! had the same stupid cut for 'Warm Bodies'). Eleanor Tomlinson as the Princess was so very bland, not particularly attractive and not particularly useful in any way, whilst Ewan McGregor seemed to be doing his weak ass Jedi thing all over again. Only decent performance came from the ever reliable Tucci. Overall the characters weren't really developed much and there was a distinct lack of a really bad baddie.

On top of that the effects weren't even that good! the giants looked exactly like what they were, big CGI giants. It looks like they're trying to make them appear realistic but not entirely, but they look awful. Especially the two headed giant leader with that shitty Gollum-like head, what the hell! giant fail there folks (see what I did there heh). Plus why are most of the giants Irish? am I missing something there? and why aren't there any female giants? how does this race keep going? am I being too picky?

Even the beanstalk looked pretty naff frankly. The only thing that looked good was the CGI landscapes and the giant island in the sky, but as usual way too much reliance on CGI. There seemed to be many giant waterfalls going over the edge of the giant island, where exactly does all that water go??

Bottom line this just feels like a jump on that fairytale action flick bandwagon we have seen recently. All the usual big CGI battles, stunts, camera angles etc...the same recycled crud we've seen over and over again. Predictable as usual in that boring modern Hollywood cookie cutter fashion. The plot is thinner than a catwalk model after she's just stepped out of the toilet and to make matters worse the CGI effects are pretty terrible. So you can't even call this a sharp looking updated piece of crap, its just crap.

Oh and the final twist at the end is useless. I mean really, is that suppose to be clever? gee errr genius. And while I'm at it, the films title is 'Jack the Giant Slayer', many giants get killed here but I believe Jack only kills one, so he doesn't slay much then.

3/10