Sunday, 25 October 2015

Terminator Genisys (2015)

Well here it is, the most expensive and outlandish fan made movie ever. Clearly some over excited rich fanboys got together and decided to make the ultimate Terminator movie, by throwing every aspect (and every character), of all the previous movies together in some kind of retro/futuristic smackdown, and call it a sequel. Pretty much the equivalent of a horror flick mish-mash between various icons, or a videogame beat 'em up sequel like Mortal Kombat. I'm guessing this way the oh so clever people behind this movie would think everyone is covered if they retread all the original movies, what could go wrong?

I'm not gonna even try and explain the plot, I think you all know why, so lets do this thing! Right from the outset things immediately take a bad turn. We're in a sewer where a young Kyle Reese has been tracked by a lone Terminator, its looks bleak (not really). Then low and behold (first deus ex-machina of a gazillion more to come), John Connor comes crashing down through the concrete ceiling on a grappling hook whilst blasting the machine to kingdom come. Right there! right there are the first signs of what's to come, how the hell did Connor know Reese was down there, at that exact spot, and the timing of the save...ugh! oh geez!

As things move along we see John and Kyle getting friendly, or a little too friendly if you ask me. The scene where they talk to each other before the final assault on Skynet has so much weird homosexual tension in it I felt quite uncomfortable. Yeah I know they are father and son but at that point Reese doesn't know, slow down there cowboy! This scene also showcases how bad the acting is in this movie and how bad the casting choices were.

So then we hit the final assault on Skynet, a brief moment of what could of been...a good movie. Forgive me if my review reads like many other peoples but yes, this sequence is the best bit of the entire movie. Just the mere glimpse of Terminator exoskeletons walking around, armed with big-ass guns, is enough to make any fanboy wet their pants in glee, justifiably. This brief battle is everything any Terminator fan could want, it looked terrific and was fully engaging, every last second of it. It also handled the original story gaps admirably showing us how the original Terminator went back in time, how Kyle went back, why he hits the ground so hard in the original movie etc...(wouldn't it be really awkward and weird having to be completely naked in front of all your soldier friends and companions? I mean yeah sure, its for the future of mankind but damn, embarrassingly awkward none the less). The small glimpses of the original T-800 Arnie model also looked great, less is more and it worked.

After that things start to slowly deteriorate just like Arnie's face. The recreation of the 80's was...errmm, interesting. Visually it looked really close to the original movie yes, they got all the correct vehicles, camera angles and the odd street section did look grotty and grimy in that typical early 80's fashion. The problem was the laughable recreation of characters from the original movie and the actors delivery of the old lines (I was kinda thinking, why not just use old footage from the original?) I kid you not, I could of done a better job delivering those lines! those actors got the tone all wrong for every line! and what the hell was going on with the street punks?! The guy playing Bill Paxton's old character looked like he had a plastic face, massive amount of obvious makeup, whilst the other two delivered lines like kids in a school play, Jesus! Oh and they didn't look the same as in the original movie, and didn't say the same things, what happened to the 'fuck you asshole'? You're gonna spend all that money and skimp on simple little details which us fanboys (the core audience) will pick up in an instant? Oh right, you want a PG-13 for maximum profits, forgot for a moment.

Its then things started to become really daft. Sarah Conner and her Terminator (Pops) have been waiting for the original T-800 to show up in 1984, since she was 9 years old. So how the hell was she not in the right place at the right time to kill that T-800 straight away?? The thing almost kills Pops before she gets her ass into gear, I thought she was trained up! Also, why didn't Pops just use that big Terminator gun to kill the T-800 straight away, why the useless shotgun? But wait there's more, much more, as we delve much deeper into this movie that rips this franchise apart before our very eyes.

When Pops kills the T-1000 in acid how come his own arm didn't melt away too? Was it really that easy to kill a T-1000? just using acid?? if only Sarah Connor and co had known that in the second movie huh. Why did they need to recreate the whole night sequence inside that mall where Kyle finds his sneakers, what was the purpose of that? Is it just so he looks like the 1984 version? just to appeal to the original fans? It was pointless, served no purpose other than to have Kyle look the same as in the 84 version for a brief period. When Sarah and Kyle prepare to time-jump into 2017, Sarah says they can't leave any trace of any future tech behind...but, but...what about the flippin' time machine they built? How did that school bus flip through the air like that? baddie John Connor seemed to only grab the exhaust? Did Kyle actually get hit by a speeding car without resulting in any sort of injury?? Did Pops actually kill an innocent gas tanker driver during that helicopter chase sequence? Did I actually see helicopters make aerial maneuvers as if they were stunt cars?? Where did John Connor get his helicopter? he just appears in one chasing the others. I can't believe I'm writing about helicopter chases in a Terminator movie.

Then when we get to Cyberdyne headquarters where they are building some huge time machine thing which, apparently, no one questions. And why does it have a little moat of T-1000 liquid metal around it? what exactly is that for? Its here we discover the T-1000 liquid metal is harmless without a main brain chip in it, just like any Terminator. So...does that mean all T-1000's have always had small chips floating in them? if so how do they melt into things without the chip being left behind? We also see Miles Dyson again, accept he now looks nothing like the original Miles Dyson, so why do most other old characters look similar accept this one. Can someone also tell me the point of J.K. Simmons role, it literately goes nowhere, did they just want an Oscar winner in the mix?

Ugh! my God there is too much to fit in here, there is so much crapola its quite unreal. Just watching the big finale towards the end, Terminator John Connor could of easily killed Pops at any time surely, he had the strength to rip him apart or just pound him to bits. Has anyone noticed that in these movies there is a lot of throwing going on instead of killing, how many times have we seen an enemy throw someone around like a rag doll when they could and should just kill them. At the same time, Skynet moves the countdown from around 13 hours to 15 minutes, why not 1 minute? or 30 seconds? why give the goodies enough time to win? Because we wouldn't have a movie, yep tis true, instead we have a completely unrealistic one.

Oh and why in the year 2017 is the modern world so in awe of a simple app that will connect everything such as your tablet, phone, TV etc...We can do that right now in the present people (a mere two years to go). That is what you call a very weak satire about the over reliance and saturation of technology (Apple).

I'm afraid all the negative reviews and hearsay you've all read and heard about is true, the movie is an utter mess. They have literately thrown everything but the kitchen sink on screen in an attempt to please everyone (I think?), maximise their merchandise profits and try to plan an entire franchise/universe/trilogy before getting one foot in the door so to speak. As I already said, it really does feel like something a 15 year old teenager would come up with, throwing all the characters into one pot for some kind of epic battle royale. Completely bogged down in a muddled convoluted plot, the acting is dreadful from all involved, the casting is all wrong, much of the CGI looks obvious, obvious greenscreen, unfunny attempts at humour and worst of all...its boring and completely unmemorable.

'I'm old, not obsolete'. Yeah we get it Arnold, you've used that gimmicky gag in virtually every damn movie since coming out of politics. The thing is, you are obsolete now, sorry to have to tell you.

But the final insult, the real salt in the wound, is the fact they went back and methodically dismantled the two classic original movies, basically rendering them obsolete. Yeah I know they still exist and no ones childhood has been raped blah blah blah, but its the intention. The horrific act of actually going back and fiddling with them, trying to recreate and reinvent them and then trying to pass it off as something good, something we might like. Its basically tantamount to sacrilege and one could almost say, they have indeed gone back and raped our childhood. Don't even get me started on that stupid bloody title.