Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

 

So we all remember that poster, the one of a grizzled Chuck Norris, an Uzi in each hand, custom Uzi holsters, shirt open right down to his belt buckle, super tight jeans, looking like he's about to unleash hell. Well, was this movie really as good as that poster made out?

The title is provocative; it gets your imagination running wild. When I was younger I thought the movie was about an alien invasion. No, this movie is a bit deeper than a mere alien invasion; the story delves into the possibilities of a foreign terrorist invasion and turning people against each other. But let's not get carried away here, this isn't a thinking man's drama, this is a balls-to-the-wall action flick that makes no sense.

The bad guys, in this case Latino guerrillas led by Russian Rostov (Richard Lynch), plan to invade the US and let loose a siege of targeted terror attacks against various people to trigger an internal war. Presumably, their aim is to take control once enough chaos has been enacted. I guess their main goal is simply to take over America and make it a communist country? Anyway, you would think this would be hard enough, but their Russian leader is far more concerned about one man, that man being badass Chuck Norris...who plays badass Chuck Norris. No wait, he plays CIA agent Matt Hunter. 

So, when I said this movie makes no sense, I meant it. Right from the start, things don't make much sense. At the start the bad guys murder a boatload of Cuban refugees for no real reason other than to get some drugs stored on board. I'm not entirely sure who or where the drugs are supposed to have come from. We also don't get any information about these bad guys or their Russian leader. All we know is Rostov knows about Hunter and what he is capable of, so he wants to kill him, that's it. They obviously have history, maybe they should have made a prequel. Their evil plan isn't really fully explained either. It simply seems to be, get our small army to America, kill lots of innocent people, and hopefully this will trigger mass conflict which will allow them to take over.

When it comes to the killing, this movie doesn't mess around either, talk about nasty. I don't mean nasty as in lots of blood and gore, I mean nasty as in just senseless cruelty in the violence. Once on US soil, the bad guys waste no time. They try to blow up a mall during the peak Xmas shopping period. They try to blow up a church during a service. They go around blowing up suburban housing in residential areas. They attack a fun fair, try to blow up a school bus full of kids etc...These guys are merciless! You notice I said try, that's because Hunter manages to stop most of it, but the fact that they try is still hard viewing. It is funny how Hunter just conveniently pops up every time to foil these attacks, no matter where these terrorists try something.

The action itself is a mixed bag. There are moments of coolness such as seeing Hunter running around with his twin Uzis, clearly his trademark weapons. Sure, he should have died ten times over by the end of the movie, but we all know that. There are plenty of decent practical effects, including squibs, explosions, large, destructible sets, gun battles etc...The big finale set piece is an impressive sight showcasing tonnes of National Guard and tanks attacking the terrorists (think the finale in the 'Blues Brothers'). Norris himself doesn't do that much martial arts, he relies on the Uzis to do the talking. The main car chase was obviously filmed at a slow speed, bit cringeworthy.

The finale is somewhat comical because Rostov is so obsessed with getting Hunter, that he orders his entire army of terrorists to storm this government building, where he thinks he can get him. The military then surrounds the building and wipes them all out (in a sequence that could have come straight out of 'Commando'). Hunter stalks Rostov through the offices in this government building, gives him a bit of a beating, and then blows him away with a rocket launcher at point-blank range. The movie then ends right there, just like that, straight to credits. I mean, can you get more 80's than that? 

This is easily one Chuck Norris's most recognised movies from the 80's. We've established that with the poster. Back in the day, it was somewhat shocking due to the violence, if I remember correctly. It was looked upon as a bit more adult, or nastier, than other similar action flicks from other stars of the genre. Rewatching now, the violence is still quite nasty in a moral sense, not so much visually. But as for everything else, on the whole, this movie is actually pretty poor frankly. The story is just total nonsense, laden with plot conveniences, goofy action, and a main villain who is so evil that he actually killed Billy Drago in the first ten minutes! You can't do that!

5.5/10

Sidekicks (1992)

 

One could be forgiven for thinking this was a poor man's ' The Karate Kid' clone, or even knock-off, and you wouldn't be too far off. I mean, this isn't exactly the same obviously, but it comes close, the similarities are there.

This is a weird one truth be told. Essentially, what you have is a plot revolving around the standard troubles any young boy has when growing up. At school he has strict teachers, bullies, girl issues, and he can't concentrate in class. He also suffers from asthma which doesn't really cause as much trouble, plot-wise, as you think it would. Anyway, the root of his lack of concentration skills is a fixation with action star Chuck Norris. Like most of us growing up, we all had our movie star heroes, and we all had fantasies about being action stars with our heroes.

Thing is, this is pretty much the entire basis of the movie. Barry (Johnathan Brandis) worships Chuck Norris and constantly daydreams about being in action scenarios with him, where the bad guys are either teachers or bullies. I mean, we've all been there, we've had these types of fantasies when at school I'm sure. The idea is interesting, and I think a good movie idea is in here, deep down, but this ain't it.

So most of the movie is Barry daydreaming at awkward moments, about himself and Norris, which then leads to him waking up in an even more awkward situation. His teachers worry about him, his dad worries about him, his friend worries about him, you get the idea. At one point he tries to join a local martial arts dojo, which coincidentally is also where his school bully trains (Cobra Kai much?), but discovers the master, Kelly Stone (Joe Piscopo), to be a narcissistic wacko who mocks him instead (a play on John Kreese?). This leads to Barry having daydreams where Stone is always the arch-nemesis of himself and Norris.

Midway through, Barry is given the chance to be trained by a wise old martial arts master called Mr. Lee (a relation of Barry's teacher who also, awkwardly, happens to be seeing his dad), totally not in the same vein as Mr. Miyagi. From there on we get lots and lots of training montages accompanied by typical late 80's, early 90's music, with Barry learning the ropes and slowly getting better. Then, for no real reason whatsoever, Lee enters Barry in a local martial arts competition, which just so happens to also include the local dojo run by master Stone. Unfortunately, the rules state you need four people in a team; luckily, Chuck Norris is there to join Barry's team, because of course he is.

The last part of the movie revolves around this martial arts competition that does actually look like the production team shot during a real event, or got a lot of extras. So Stone gets to fight his real-life nemesis, Chuck Norris, and Barry must face off against his school bully in the big finale. Yeah, so definite 'Karate Kid' vibes from start to finish here. They were definitely trying to ride the coattails of that franchise. Heck, Stone's dojo even fights in black, just like Cobra Kai.

So, we can see what director Aaron Norris (Chuck's younger brother) was going for here, but he took a more lighthearted comedic route. There are scenes here that are taken in a more genuine light, and really want to be just like Daniel LaRusso's story. On the other hand, there are moments in this movie that are ridiculously stupid and goofy, most of which include Piscopo's character. The other weird angle here are the dream sequences that actually replay actual moments from Norris' real movies. The odd angle being, Chuck Norris's movies are totally adult fare, and yet here, in a kids' movie, they recreate some of the adult action sequences (very well I might add), minus the killing. That's like Arnie redoing famous action moments from say 'Predator', in a kids flick, but toned down with no actual killing. It's just a weird, meta, thing to do.

So without sounding like a broken record, yes, this movie does seem to be an attempt at making a more light-hearted version of 'The Karate Kid'. The comparisons are unavoidable. Alas, this offering really is a strange combination of a few ideas, of which none really shine. All in all its a very cliched, generic, and formulaic plot, with some heavily watered-down Chuck Norris action thrown in.

4/10