The Octagon (1980)

 

So what have we got here? Chuck Norris vs. ninjas? And with Lee Van Cleef?? Okay, I'm in.

Bare with me, but the plot for this is kinda nuts. So there's this secret ninja assassination training camp just off in the woods somewhere, like off the highway or whatever (lol!). These guys are hardcore. Once you join up, that's it, you're in till death. If you try to leave, they'll kill you, ninja style. Now these ninjas are super good at their day job, they are assassinating various people, including diplomats and whatnot. So what do you do in a situation like this? You seek help from retired Karate champion Chuck Norris, that's what.

I think the funniest thing about this movie, other than the fact that yet again this entire thing looks and feels like a TV movie, or extended episode of 'The A-Team', is the fact that there's this ninja assassin cult in the sticks that no one has ever noticed. In the middle is this large octagon-shaped arena which literally looks like a set, hence the name of the movie (dear lord). But what's also stupid is how convoluted the plot actually is. All this is, is Scott James (Norris) eventually, begrudgingly trying to infiltrate this ninja cult after he discovers his foster brother is the leader. In all honesty, Lee Van Cleef as an old friend merc, isn't required here at all. Plus, the attractive woman who tries to hire Norris (cos her father was killed by the cult), isn't really needed either. 

This is definitely one of Chuck's most padded flicks. This entire movie boils down to Norris vs. the ninja cult, that's it. The rest is utterly meaningless. The actual ninja cult isn't really very threatening because we see all the recruits in training from the get-go. So what we see are a bunch of novice ninjas that clearly aren't too sure whether they made the right decision or not. Their special assassin training seems to revolve around basic exercises and fighting each other with sticks, badly. There seems to be only one actual competent deadly ninja, and that's the main henchman/enforcer who looks way more badass than the rest. The cult leader Seikura(played by real-life martial artist Tadashi Yamashita) isn't really explained, I'm not sure what his goal was and why he's creating this ninja cult.

But yeah, nothing actually happens in this movie for the most part. It's literally just aimless padding, mundane action and pointless dialogue until the finale. Things only really get going when Norris finds the ninja camp and infiltrates it under cover of darkness. This is where the movie finally comes to life, somewhat. And frankly, that's all you want to see for the entire runtime. Yeah sure, he got help from a female ninja who managed to escape the cult, but whatever.

There is an entire dialogue sequence with Norris in a gym. There is absolutely no reason for this whatsoever; it doesn't benefit the plot or anything. It's just Norris, all sweaty, looking buff, doing some martial training in the gym. Clearly in there for Norris to look good and showcase some moves, that's literally it. But this exemplifies this entire movie really, baseless padding just for the one idea of having Norris take down a ninja fortress.

Now the big finale plays out very much like a videogame. Norris essentially has to battle his way through various different stages until he finally gets to meet the final boss, Seikura. At first he must navigate through boobytraps whilst fending off multiple lower-tier ninjas, ninja fodder. Eventually, he penetrates the main hub of the camp and starts to take down more ninja fodder. As you might expect, Chuck finally comes face-to-face with Seikura's lethal enforcer, the only competent ninja in this entire ninja organisation. Now this battle was actually pretty good, hokey as hell, you can see the kicks and punches are going nowhere near their intended targets, but fun nonetheless. Things get really serious when the Katana's are whipped out, this is virtually as good as the movie gets.

This is definitely one of the more engaging concepts for a Chuck Norris action flick, but it's still pretty poor truth be told. Everything is so corny and hokey. The action is fine, but you can see the stunt guys anticipating moves and moves not really connecting. Most of the plot is completely unimportant. Van Cleef was clearly cast just for name recognition as his character wasn't needed at all. There was no real reason for the ninja cult, and Seikura merely had a predictable feud with James from childhood. I mean, I can see how this flick may have influenced many many videogames over the years, but other than that, this movie offers very little other than a semi-decent finale. Oh, and Ernie Hudson is actually in this for about one minute.

5/10

An Eye for an Eye (1981)

 

So lets have a look at this Norris vehicle. The title is pretty straight forward and virtually tells you everything you need to know. Someone has obviously gotten killed, and Chuck is gonna deliver some meaty justice. What could go wrong?

Yes I literally just explained the plot, it's that simple. The movie starts out like a Pacino drama. Very dark, grimy, rainy and moody, good cinematography, Chuck's partner actually looks like he just stepped off the set of 'Serpico'. Heck, he even has a character name that sounds like it came from a Pacino drama. Naturally this guy is gonna get it, both barrels. But Chuck ain't gonna take that sitting down, oh hell no, he's gonna catch one bad guy and throw him out of a high-rise, public view be damned. But you guessed it, Chuck's Chief is not too pleased about that shit show, but Chuck ain't gonna let him finish his investigation, Chuck's outta there!

Sooo long story short, this is your stereotypical drug-smuggling action flick, where the good guys have gotta uncover the Kingpin and stop the operation. Of course there are henchmen, dirty cops, assassinations, gun fights, and a big showdown at the final boss's big drug-financed mansion. It felt very much like an early version of 'Beverly Hills Cop' to be honest, but not as slick.

This movie also some wild casting. Believe it or not, but the main Kingpin is played by Christopher Lee! Total miscasting if you ask me, because he essentially looks like a classic aristocratic Englishman who just stepped out of a time portal from the late Victorian, early Edwardian era. Obviously there is nothing wrong with that; that is Lee's entire persona, but it doesn't really fit in with a drug-dealing action flick set in sunny San Francisco. Toru Tanaka is one of the big bad henchmen, with a clump foot condition, oddly (making the on-foot chase sequence absolutely ridiculous). Then there's Richard Roundtree who is almost too perfect, dare I say typecast, as Chuck's police Chief. And Mako teams up with Chuck to take on the bad guys.

Naturally, you can expect lots of action...actually no, you'd be wrong. Strange as it might seem, there isn't a whole lot of action in this movie, and what there is was pretty standard guff. Every time Chuck fights bad guys, he generally does the same set of moves. I mean, in these early flicks, this was new and exciting, watching now... it's a bit dull and tepid. This movie (and most of Chuck's movies), do tend to feel a bit like slightly adult episodes of 'The A-Team' whereby, if there's a window, wall, fence, ledge, pool, cliff, door etc...then the bad guy is going over it, through it, or in it. And the problem is you can see this coming a mile away.

What you do get here, is lots of beautiful scenic shots and sequences of San Francisco in the sun. There is quite a lot of padding simply with lingering shots (as lovely as they are) of the city from various angles, and quite a few of Chuck walking and driving around from place to place looking for clues or chatting with locals (not even sure if they were paid extras).

The big finale is exciting, but let's not get too carried away. There is a big gun battle between cops and the bad guys. Chuck finally faces off against Toru Tanaka, spoiler alert, he wins. Mako kicks some bad guy butt too, and Lee tries to pull off the most polite kidnapping and escape I've ever seen in an action flick (such a bizarre casting choice). All the while, Chuck is dressed in some lovely sensible attire, making him look like a middle-aged dad from a comedy sitcom. So yeah, this is a seemingly real mixed bag of, not too subtle, ideas. As if they couldn't really decide which way they wanted to go, buddy cop action flick, or adult thriller angle. Like I said, it feels like a TV movie, an extended episode from some cop show.

4/10

Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre (2023)

 

So what have we here? Another action flick where Jason Statham is a nigh-on invincible super soldier type person? Why yes it is. Funnily enough, this is now the second movie where Statham has portrayed an invincible leader of a specialised crew in an action thriller, and both failed. In 2013, Statham's vehicle 'Parker' was meant to be an action thriller franchise with multiple sequels (presumably challenging Bond and Ethan Hunt). But that movie failed. Now we have this oddly titled action espionage thriller, which was also meant to be a franchise with multiple sequels (to challenge both Bond and Ethan Hunt), and this also failed.

So what is the plot? Well, unsurprisingly its a bit like the 'Mission: Impossible' movies to be honest. Statham is Orson Fortune, an MI-6 super spy, whose mission (which he must accept) is to track down a recently stolen bit of hi-tech kit worth billions. Naturally, he has a team of highly skilled espionage experts to assist, and naturally all manner of double crosses, disguises, and ruses (title of the movie, see, you get it? Eh?) occur as they swan around the globe.

And oh boy do they swan around. This movie really is a complete clone of that certain Tom Cruise franchise. This corny team of super spies (perfectly diverse of course) darts from one lavish destination and location to another. Hardly work for the cast and crew, more like a paid luxury holiday. They drive top-of-the-line vehicles, wear made-to-measure attire, travel in private luxurious jets, and spend a surprising amount of time merely lounging around in the lap of luxury. I never quite understand these movie villains. Here, the main bad guy, Hugh Grant, is so obscenely wealthy that I can't help but wonder why he is even getting involved in all this crime. It never makes sense to me, like, how much money can one person want or even need?

Seriously, this movie takes an age to get going. Most of the movie is simply dialogue in attractive locations with perfect weather. The movie tries to be super smart and dashing with its tech and covert operations, but director Guy Ritchie forgot to include some action for the most part. Any action we do get is strangely muted or edited with cutaways. 

Yes I did mention that the director is Guy Ritchie. Now you might think this means the movie will be super cool, and it certainly tries to be, don't get me wrong, but it fails. You see, Ritchie's whole schtick of fast-talkin' cockneys, oddball characters, graphic violence, profanity mixed with cockney rhyming slang, and ice-cold villains, is a little overplayed now. Yes this movie isn't a hardcore graphic adult flick; it has more of a lighthearted comedy angle, but Ritchie is still doing the same old things. Thing is, his schtick doesn't really blend well with this uber slick espionage type affair.

The cast is also a unique selling point with Ritchie, but again, he's just trying too hard. Statham has done this same gig time and time again. The man is like the new Steven Seagal in that he just plays the same type of characters over and over. He's either a super spy, or super military guy, or super special ops guy, or super ex-whatever etc...Then you have Josh Hartnett who is clearly trying to get back in the big movie game, but he's aged badly. Cary Elwes does his usual, old-fashioned, well-spoken, out-of-time Errol Flynn persona again. There's a Black British rapper I've never heard of who you'd swear will have a dirty cockney accent, but he's actually from up north. And last but not least, Hugh Grant is cast against type as an almost nerdy-sounding arms dealer with an even nerdier name, who, in typical Ritchie fashion, is actually ruthless.

I mean, I don't wanna say this but, quite frankly, to sum up, this is essentially a 'Mission: Impossible' clone, but a poor man's version. Put simply, if you like that Tom Cruise franchise, then you will probably like this. This flick is virtually the same spiel, with a bit of 'Fast and Furious' thrown in for good measure. Everything is glossy, slick, shiny, expensive, and in some cases fake-looking. All the cast look California fabulous with tans, flashy attire, fast cars, and all in glorious sunshine glinting off their expensive shades. The plot tries to be clever but is dull and predictable, right up to the inevitable ending that leaves you expecting a sequel. Pure Hollywood nonsense with a stupid title.

5/10

The Crow (2024)

 

So, once upon a time, back in the year of our lord 1989, a comic rose from the earth and went on to become an underground success. As the comics' influence grew, stronger forces were drawn to it. All that gazed upon its dark glory were beholden to its splendour. In time, these stronger opulent and imaginative forces combined to create an even greater story, a mesmerising dark fable of love and revenge, one that had never been told in such manner. Despite the gallant hero tragically slain, over the years, the fable grew even stronger and gained cult status, slaying all in its path. With nothing to stand in its path, the comic was truly omnipotent. And so the comic became legend, set in stone for all eternity.

It was to no surprise at all that Hollywood would try to expand on the 'Crow' franchise, and thusly we were given three further stories. All of which completely failed, despite the second movie actually being okay in my humble opinion. Nevertheless, Hollywood is a ravenous beast that doesn't let anything go if there is any inkling of money to be made. So it was inevitable that eventually, they would try the impossible; they would try to completely reboot the original iconic Crow movie. 

So what have we got here? Eric is a troubled recovering drug addict, of course, and Shelly is now Black, of course. In the beginning, they don't know each other. Shelly is sent some incriminating footage (from a sketchy friend) on her phone and ends up getting pursued by a crime lord and his henchmen. The crime lord has now made a pact with the Devil to supply souls in exchange for eternal life, sure. Shelly ends up getting arrested for possession and sent to rehab, where Eric is. They both fall in love, escape, and then get murdered by the crime lord. And now we have our revenge story.

Yup, they made up a whole new load of guff for this movie. For reasons unbeknowst to most, the folks behind this movie thought the original story wasn't expanded enough, so they fixed it with extra padding. This now means almost the first half hour or so of the movie is all about Eric and Shelly falling in love...and it's boring! They really dig into these two characters to try and make us care, but this fails, mostly because the casting is so bad. Bill Skarsgard as Eric isn't too bad a choice, but his look just feels like Jared Leto's Joker take. They just tried too hard with this character's look. Whilst the connection between Skarsgard and FKA Twigs (eh?) is just poor, they just don't match at all.

I also disliked the main villain here, Roeg played by Danny Huston. This guy has nothing unique about him; he's just a rich suit with a bunch of faceless goons. All the goons are naturally fodder for Eric to chew through, no characters, no originality, just plain goons. These guys could have been in any action flick, stick them in 'John Wick' and they'd be fine. I also felt the supernatural element to this guy was so cliched and unnecessary. I mean seriously, he made a deal with the Devil for eternal life?? Really? It also takes away from the mystique of the crow and its powers. We don't need to know that much about these supernatural forces, and the fact that the Devil exists just goes too far, this isn't 'Spawn'.

Another issue here is the lack of action. Now I'm not saying a movie needs to be balls-to-the-wall action sequences, but this franchise in particular needs action, and to be honest, there is very little here. Eric is mostly quite weak for the most part, even when he's dead, nothing much happens. It is revealed at one point that Shelley had been convinced to kill a woman, by the supernatural powers of Roeg, which puts doubt in Eric's mind. This action leads to Eric getting killed for a second time, and having to convince a spirit in the afterlife to give him another chance. Eh??

Yes, in this movie the power of the crow seems to be handed out, or decided on, by spirits in the afterlife, or this one specific spirit? The entire supernatural scenario is now some kind of deal or agreement between a spirit and the dead person in question. In this case, Eric and Shelley's love had to be pure, that was the deal. When Eric doubted Shelley, the deal was broken, and he lost his power (wut?). I dunno, the entire premise is just too complicated and unnecessary when the original was so simple.

Essentially, nothing much of interest happens until right at the end when Eric storms a theatre and kills all the bad guys. But even that isn't all that great. It's way too slick and relies on CGI blood. Again, it felt like a 'John Wick' movie. The big finale when Eric confronts Roeg in his massive mansion is a total anti-climax too. Obviously Roeg tries to use his Devil powers, but when transported into the afterlife he is easily defeated. The movie ends on such a whimper, then tries to give you something emotional with Shelly that fails, and then tries to leave you open for a sequel! Ugh!

I mean, there is an acorn of promise here, there is a neat idea buried deep within this mess that could have been pretty cool. I don't understand why they had to make this so complicated. I don't understand why they had to add so much unnecessary detail to the supernatural element. What's that famous saying? Less is more...right? We didn't need all this hocus pocus about supernatural deals, spirit guides, deals with the Devil, fight sequences in the afterlife etc...The comic is supposed to be a dark, gritty, gothic, satisfying tale of revenge; whereas this feels like a combination of 'Spawn', 'John Wick', and 'Constantine'.

So the real crime here is the overall lack of gothic visuals, or any decent visuals really. No solid characters, a really lame attempt at recreating a cult soundtrack, bad casting, and no stand-out action sequences. Such a wasted opportunity. The fact that this is the fourth attempt since the original is shameful frankly. It's amazing how the people behind these movies don't understand how or why the original was so good.

4/10