Conan the Destroyer (1984)

So we've had basic plot idea number one: family killed, take revenge. This sequel goes with basic plot number two: given quest by ruler to find something, but its a trick...yes I just blew a huge spoiler so sue me.

Yep, the rather devious and clearly untrustworthy Queen Taramis asks Conan to go off and find a sacred object so she can awaken a God, hmmm I smell something fishy. So Conan agrees because the evil Queen says she will resurrect his lover from the first film Valeria if he succeeds, oh come on Conan don't be dumb! Did I mention this was all a big trick by the naughty Queen?

The main draw here is the cast really, Arnie's team are a much more interesting group this time with the insane Grace Jones, annoyingly crap acting of Tracy Walter, Mako back as the obligatory team wizard, d'Abo as the young virginal Princess and ex basketball star Wilt Chamberlain, a very colourful bunch. They are all up against the gorgeous and stunning Sarah Douglas who as usual is doing what she does best, being a sexy evil villainous bitch, oh my!

The main problem with this sequel despite its better looks, fancy titles, a bigger Arnie and overall slightly sexier production values, is the fact it was watered down. The film aims for more comedy, slapstick and visual buffoonery over blood n violence, nothing wrong with this I guess but for me its a thumbs down. The first film was more adult and gave the film a grittier nastier feel, this just feels like a kids adventure at times. Even with Basil Poledouris booming musical score (first films sounded like 'Total Recall', this sounds like its been extracted from 'Robocop') it doesn't make much difference.

I must admit to enjoying these films much more when I was but a mere sprogling. The fact its Arnie in the main role as Conan saves the film from doom in my opinion as there isn't too much more on offer. There isn't much action of note, not much blood, set pieces are drab and the adventure a bit dull, the only thing to lift you is the nice monster sequence at the end (head looks a bit like the Brundlefly creature from the Cronenberg film). That and Sarah Douglas being all sexy n evil (oh my Queen!), for me these films haven't aged so well and I still prefer 'Beastmaster'.


4/10